Online couponing...?

This morning I am wasting an amazing amount of time trying to pull some advantage and/or actual savings from online "couponing". I know there are women who have saved literally thousands of dollars by doing this, and while I have no intention or aspiration to that level of the activity, I am wondering how even $5 savings is possible! I have spent the past hour or so "signing up" for a couple sites, but they all ask you to sign up for about a billion "offers" in the process, none of which I'm particularly comfortable doing. Thus, I'm wondering if the whole thing has been a waste of time, since all offers seem to depend on one another to succeed or provide any benefit, somewhat like dominoes.

It does feel like this is a total waste of time, but since it's very stormy outside and I don't have anywhere to be until this afternoon, I guess it's not the end of the world! I'll just have to keep checking to see if there are coupons for stuff we actually use periodically, and hope that I haven't inadvertently signed my soul away this morning via my email or birthday. Ugh, I am so tired of companies and individuals taking advantage of even simple things like contests, that used to be fun and worry-free! If I enter, I should win or never hear from them again, I think. But if I don't win, it seems to be a worse situation, since one receives an eternity of spam emails just for hoping for one little prize. NOT COOL.

Cats are pretty funny. I bathed both of ours yesterday morning, and they proceeded to spend the rest of the day taking about three times as many baths of their own than usual. Apparently they didn't like the smell of the flea soap...

More job searching, and memories.

The past week or so has been interesting. I suppose that, since Michael's job is fraught with continual disorganization and chaotic last-minute changes (none of which are his doing, but many of which "happen" at 10pm the night before something is scheduled...as if they don't know before then), most weeks could be characterized as "interesting" from someone else's point of view. However, these ridiculous and nonsensical decisions on the part of his bosses and those who are in charge (for what reason I have no idea) happen to be a part of the "quotidien", the everyday existence as a soldier at Fort Benning. So when I say interesting, I speak more for my own doings, since I am, after all, just a selfish human :)

Last Wednesday, I not only had a wonderful coffee date with a new friend, but I got a call for an interview for a job I have been hoping to get. The catch: it's a group interview, which is a term that has baffled me since way before I was looking to be the one interviewed. Will we perform trust exercises, work on a team project, or perhaps do each other's hair and make-up? Or will we simply be put in a row facing those interviewing and answer down the line? Anyway, I'm nervous. It's tomorrow afternoon, so maybe I'll understand more what the term means after.

I've applied for a couple other jobs and reposted my ads on Craigslist, so maybe I'll get more calls soon. Michael asked me last night if I felt like I was in a "housewife trance"...I guess my unrest is wearing me more than a little around the edges of my happy moods! There are days that I feel extremely discouraged, but most days I am thankful for the opportunity to spend time at home learning how to keep it clean and orderly without a schedule, so that when I do have one I will be better suited to plan my daily tasks like grocery shopping, laundry and tidying. Currently, though, those tasks do get left longer than they might otherwise, due to the absence of a time constraint! It's strange, but procrastination doesn't only happen in school...

Yesterday, I finished the third book in The Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King. It is my favorite of the three, at once for its exciting war and "quest" sequences and for its deeply touching scenes of glory, grieving, and the joy of the meeting of close friends and loved ones following life's biggest and darkest moments. Also, Viggo Mortensen and Liv Tyler may be my favorite silver-screen matching ever, and their marriage happens at one of the most glorious moments in the book.

However, as I read one of the pivotal scenes, a memory of my late "godfather", Dave, came rushing back to me. The scene follows one of the most brutal battles, and the death of King Théoden, to whom the hobbit Merry had sworn his service in the days before the battle where he fell. It is a bittersweet scene, for several members of the Company of the Ring are reunited after the battle in the Houses of Healing. Merry was badly wounded, but is recovering quickly after Aragorn puts his healing skills to use. The hobbit is granted anything he wishes, as he gave the fatal blow to the leader of the Nazgul, the Ringwraiths. However, at the mention of a pipe, he falters.

'No, not a pipe. I don't think I'll smoke again....He is dead. It has brought it all back to me. He said he was sorry he never had a chance of talking herb-lore with me. Almost the last thing he ever said. I shan't ever be able to have a smoke again without thinking of him, and that day, Pippin, when he rode up to Isengard and was so polite.'
'Smoke then, and think of him!' said Aragorn.

For some reason, this scene brought me back to a moment in the last weeks of Dave's life, when he was very sick and far too weak to walk about on his own. He was resistant to death in many ways, and seemed to begrudge the fact that he felt caged in the house where he eventually passed. At one point, he managed to get out into the living room, but for some reason none of the men were around to help him back into the room where he had been lying in bed. As someone went to get one of them, I stood and supported him. Though he had been frantically trying to get outside, to get somewhere other than that bedroom, for a moment, he stopped and he looked at me straight in the eyes. Just for a few seconds he seemed to become lucid, and he said, "I love you". That is the last time I ever heard him say something directly to me before he died. I think I shut it out when it became too regular in those waking moments of grief in the days afterward, but as Merry is called to do, it is a treasured and invaluable memory and should be held on to.

The last scene of the LOTR seems almost out of place for a first-time reader...and still it seemed so for me as I read it for the third or fourth time. Why would Tolkien separate the hobbits, even all of those friends bound together by that horrible, yet deeply intimate, journey and quest in the War of the Ring? Shouldn't they live "happily ever after"? But his choice is the bolder for that seeming out-of-place decision. For those bonds of friendship will transcend the distance that separates the individuals, for they lived side by side and shared the most wonderful and terrible moments of their lives. It is much like death, I think. Of course, death is always a wrenching sadness for those left behind, but that (in my opinion) is chiefly due to our growing attachment to our worldly lives. Not that the experiences we share on earth are without meaning, for obviously this is where we forge those bonds and connections. However, we must focus instead on the heavenly kingdom, where no distance or time will separate us from one another, nor even from our God.

I think that the scene of the ships departing for the Grey Havens, carrying so many of the "greatest" of that quest and leaving behind Sam Gamgee and Merry & Pippen, the "little ones", is a touching illustration of those left behind on earth when one of our own goes to be with the Lord. And thus did the scene bring tears to my eyes, though I had read it before: and they were not all bitter, yet not all sweet, either.

Job hunting, a new lease, and, as always, kitties.

Last week we signed a new one-year lease; we've never lived somewhere long enough to do that! It was a cool feeling, though many might not think much of it. That being said, we got to choose a "bonus" from a short list, which was fun. I guess we could have chosen the "One-time cleaning" or "Have an accent wall painted"...even the "Go Green! All energy efficient bulbs". But, in light of a new budget that doesn't really have any set dinners out, we most certainly chose the "Dinner & a movie".

In other Burgess entertainment news, we have a weekend in Atlanta coming up to go to Zoo Atlanta AND a Taylor Swift concert! For those of you who are rolling your eyes for Michael's sake, don't: I attended a Chevelle concert with him about two years ago, at which I literally thought I was going to be moshed to pieces. Marriage is all about balance, eh? Having said that, I think we are both looking forward to the concert, even if he more just appreciates her talent. According to him, though, he's going to wear a cowboy hat and a pink Taylor Swift shirt to the show, and burst into tears when she comes on-stage. I can't decide which show I'm looking forward to more! Ha. Either way, it will be a great weekend. The zoo has a new giraffe calf, so that will be fun to see.

The past few days, Michael and I have been job-hunting for me. I had applied to a couple places locally, but since the applications now are almost 100% online, I wanted to introduce myself to the manager and pass along my resume in person. While this fact alone can't open up a job, I think that it's rare that someone actually takes the time to go somewhere before being asked for an interview, and I had almost all really positive reactions/exchanges with the managers I met. We'll see - Michael said to me last night that he felt "this was the week". Hmm.

It's so strange to think that, at this time a year ago, I was eagerly anticipating Michael's arrival home from Iraq. (The only reason I made that parallel today in particular was because Facebook did that "One year ago today" thing and told me what my status had been, ha.) What a year it has been. I miss Chicago, but I'm slowly but surely letting myself settle into our life here. It hasn't been easy, and Michael has had to put up with some major mood swings from me, but I am just completely unaccustomed to being without specific "goals" that are being given by specific teachers and mentors. God has blessed me with amazing professors who have not taken my individual strengths for granted, and who have pushed me to improve my personal weaknesses. I think one of my greatest struggles lately is feeling that I may very well lose some of the affinity that I gained the past two years especially while I flail around looking for a job. So I am trying to stop flailing and remind myself that I have been given talents by God and they are not something that I bought or found myself.

I wanted to share the latest funny shots of my cats. Mater has taken to the bathroom counter whenever Michael and I are in there getting ready or just taking a shower or a bath. I don't know that she'll fit on the one you see her on below when she's full-grown, but for now it's one of her favorite places.


Taffy is a strange one when it comes to love and attention; she much more than Mater is always jumping up on our laps or sitting right next to us on the couch, but she's very sensitive to what part of her we pet for any length of time, and is very quick to bite! I think they are actually "love bites", because otherwise I don't see why she would continue coming for attention. Unfortunately, I am not a cat and don't appreciate that kind of sign of love! Michael gives me a hard time about Taffy's and my relationship, saying I am always provoking her even though I complain when she bites or scratches. I think he's full of it ;-)


Almost everyday in the mid- to late-afternoon, the cats cuddle up for a little double-nap that often becomes a grooming session after not too long. It's one of the cutest things I've seen, and I'm always trying to get a "perfect" picture of it...finally we took a few seconds of video of them this weekend. Hope it makes you smile!

Trying to find joy in a discouraging attitude.

Today has been strange. I don't say "hard" or "challenging" or anything like that, because those have only truly been in my head. I want to use those adjectives, but can't quite bring myself to. This fact, this awareness of the reality of the day versus how I feel it is is what I am trying to focus on to remind me that life is pretty alright. The reason I am having these competing emotions is that today, I feel like someone is trying to remind me how easy it is to be careless with our money. Not that I feel we are, but I think it is easy to forget that things like electricity, groceries, and cell phones can way cramp your style as far as a budget goes...especially if you aren't aware of them.

The first of the month is always tighter financially for us, since rent is due then. I've made a budget and I feel it's reasonable. But a plan and its execution are two very different things, and I feel like I'm already failing to execute. It doesn't help that I am having little progress in finding a job, and thus contributing essentially nothing to the finances which I am now in charge of.

I won't go on; I don't wish this to be a public whining board for stress-issues relating to my home and money situation, since those are private things. However, this is the issue that most often plagues me, and causes me to feel guilt when doing any "fun" thing that isn't in "the plan". The stress I feel relating to this often make me feel quite alone, and yet I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and wants us to be better with money. So typing out some of my thoughts and sharing them within reason with those of you who may have more experience or advice to me gives me a bit of hope: perhaps you will be prompted to share some of that with me. Maybe not, but the thoughts were crowding themselves in my mind and I am unfortunately not the owner of a Pensieve such as Dumbledore's in Harry Potter, nor does my mind have the tenacity of Legolas the Elf, who never has to sleep and whose mind is always thinking about everything without causing him too much effort.

Please don't misunderstand me, either: I am looking forward and am working to feel positive about finding a job and even starting to save more money if I don't. Michael and I have been blessed by God's grace and patience, and we know that that never ends and that though we stumble He will restore us. I am simply weary of the worldly problems of life sidling over to me, making me feel like they are more important than the joys of life.

Many lives, many friends, much forgotten joy.

"The world is indeed full of peril, and there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater."
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of The Ring

I had a long chat with an old friend this evening. When she first called, I was frustrated with Michael's boss and job and not really looking forward to a long conversation about our lives. But, after hearing her voice, I remembered why I so often feel so lonely; I have some of the most amazing friends in the world...all over the world.

As we talked of our respective journeys to the South and the ways in which we have had to adjust, she brought the point up that it's hard for each of us to reconcile what have become our "two lives". We have one life with our husbands and friends & family around where we currently make our home, but another back where we are from, and where our own families are. I'd never really considered it this way, but she is spot on. Time waits for no one and our parents and grandparents do not get younger as the weeks and months pass (neither do we, for that matter!); this, we found through talking, has been one of the hardest things to deal with in the constant go-between those two lives. Each time we leave to come back to our "everyday" lives, it seems harder for we are increasingly aware of what we leave behind and how quickly things change. It is a sort of grieving process that happens over and over again. I pointed out that, while this was true, we should also be grateful for this bittersweetness; it means we have something to miss and many that are dear to us.

So often we are concerned with the immediate: what to wear, how to do our hair, whether we make enough money or not. In the hot mess that life too often becomes, we are so overly prone to forget completely the simple joys God provides for the taking. I think that our friends and family help us to remember these joys, when there is true love & respect. Now, I must admit that I find these simple joys many times in my own home while I am alone with my two cats since my kitten is quite the trapeze artist and seems to find much entertainment out of things like trying to climb door jams. But the fact of the matter is, that when we are apart from the people and places that shaped us into who we are today, there is literally a piece of us missing.

A couple of days ago, I came upon the chapter in the Lord of the Rings where Gandalf falls in Moria. [ATTENTION: Spoiler alert...] It is, for first-time readers, one of the most heartbreaking moments in the entire trilogy. It is so even for those of us who have long loved these books, and we already know that he returns later in one of the most joyous moments of the entire trilogy. However, the sadness and the grief with which the Company is stricken at this point in the story is quite remarkable. For one, you have a group of men who are all weeping. Call me petty, but even in the times when most men remained true gentlemen, the majority of them didn't make a habit of showing their emotions. In this case, however, the magnitude of what has happened is so real and palpable that all pretenses of bravery or duty are set aside, if only for a few moments. Of course, those who remain are quick to return to their Quest despite their discouragement.

The quote at the beginning of this post comes after Gandalf has been lost and is spoken by one of the Elves of Lothlorien, making it all the more powerful as one works at deciphering its meaning in context, and out. For it clearly has great gravity for the Company in the face of their grief and the tasks that remain at hand, but it also has importance for any human living today. We are surrounded by doubt, mistrust, darkness, fear. The very presence of these things signals that of trust, light, and joy, but it is easy to forget this fact, and we seem to do so more often than is actually healthy for our souls.

I hope to personally continue to be increasingly aware of the joys that God has freely given me, whether past, present, or future. For starters, I am healthy, I have a loving husband and family, wonderful friends, and the means to live comfortably, though it often feels a struggle. Everything is relative, and nothing is an accident. The people we meet have a purpose in our lives, and we in theirs. If more of us lived simply aware of this fact, we would all be happier, I think.

Photos!

After that heavy essay, I wanted to post a few pictures from recent months. Many of you who read this may already have seen some or all of these on Facebook, but I post them anyway for those who haven't. Unfortunately, I am not the most expert at technology and accidentally uploaded these in chronological reverse order.


Mater, our tabby kitten. In a past life she was a circus-cat.

My goddaughter, Jasmine, "pushing" me on her toy truck at her first birthday party last weekend.

Taffy, our two year-old tabby mix who had a past life as a tiger.

Heading out to Alabama to meet up with our dear friend, Laura! Me and Amelia. One of the best and longest time Friends that I have.

Graduation from UIC on Mother's Day, 2011.

"Into the wardrobe"...this is the wardrobe from C.S. Lewis' home where Narnia was written. It is housed at the Wade Center in Wheaton, Illinois. I never found Mr. Tumnus.

Many of the TA's that I worked with and became friends with last year. From L to R: Jeff, Chelsea, Jared, me and Heather.

Where I spent the past two academic years. I remember seeing this sign for the first time at the end of February in my senior year at Whitworth and thinking it was one of the coolest things ever.

Rereading the "greatest fantasy epic of our time" and other musings

Last week (around the time of my last post, which I had hoped to expand upon sooner than now), I began to reread The Lord of the Rings. While I was in Washington for several weeks in July/August, I had gotten through over half of the Harry Potter series, but have been prematurely stopped by the underwhelming amount of copies available here at the Columbus libraries. (I have a hold for the next one, but am 4th on the list...) So, having just received my copies of the tried, true, and ever-loved trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien in a package I'd sent myself from WA, I figured time was of the essence for a second (or perhaps it's closer to a fourth, my dad having first read them to me almost 20 years ago!) read. In any case, I have been quite well-rewarded, as would anyone have been. While in undergrad, I took entire courses on both Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, both of which greatly increased my enthusiasm and background knowledge of the authors, their works, and their friendship. Not incidentally, Friendship is very possibly the major theme in both of these literary geniuses' (and good friends) writings. Hopefully, for those of you who hold these books and individuals highly esteemed, I have not just hypothetically stuck my foot in my mouth. Many have and continue to analyze and review both LOTR and Narnia, but that theme is undeniable. It does seem to "compete" with the themes of Light & Darkness/Good & Evil/"Black & White", but at the same time those themes complement one another in a way that can only be described as ethereal - Elves, talking lions, Hobbits, or not.

Why am I bothering to type out all of my personal reactions on these themes, you probably wonder. Well, the truth is, that with the news and the world in the state that they seem to be today, even a "quick" viewing of the LOTR films (I emphasize the quotations on "quick", as the full running time of all three films happens to be well over 6 hours...and that is before you take on the extended versions.) would greatly benefit most people in "leadership" or "power" today. I do not aim to make light of our government or the responsibility and stress that are faced each day by these individuals, but I doubt I will be the only one to assert the opinion that our government today is a far cry from those who founded its entire existence a mere 235 years ago. But I won't go into that, for I know much less than I should and wish solely to explain why I think Tolkien and Lewis remain shockingly relevant today. Both men lived and were involved in The Great War, WWI, and lost many friends and acquaintances. I mean no disrespect to the victims of PTSD today, but that war left none safe from the horrors of death, disease, starvation and loss. I believe that the intense sadness that each soldier was subject to (whether he chose to become numb to it or not) at that time is manifest ten- or even one hundred-fold in both epic series. The longing for a life that has been lost - whether a single life of one person or an entire way of life that has now been literally blown to pieces - is not pushed aside, as we so often seem to be encouraged to do today. It is, on the contrary, verily encouraged and even celebrated in certain instances. For Tolkien and Lewis, this longing signifies that was has been lost is something to be celebrated and above all remembered. Traditions are held highly in Middle Earth and Narnia; tales of old are told in minute detail and descendants are recognized many generations down of those great people who shaped the history of those places. And yet, the characters in these books are always drawn with two sides: the side to which I have just alluded, that is the impressive and awe-inspiring side of each, but also the "ordinary" side. Of course, many would scoff at my use of that word to describe any character of the two authors' creation, but I hope you see what I am trying to say. The Elves, the Dwarves, Gandalf and the Wizards: they all have a history and they all have lives of their own. Naturally we rarely see even glimpses of those lives, as they are, by the time we meet them, all involved in a quest to preserve any and all good things in their worlds. But the fact of the matter is that this Longing is always celebrated through the telling of Histories and the joy got from Friendship. Not Facebook friendship, for that is in this context simply a mockery of True Friendship. In LOTR, in Narnia, the characters bare themselves to one another. Granted, many times this is out of necessity for a cause, but oftentimes it is simply a result of a deep trust and need to share Life. The characters have hopes and dreams, many of which the reader sees crack and sometimes be shattered. As I read the first chapters, a passage struck me particularly, and one which has inspired much of my pondering on these themes the past week. It is when Frodo and his three friends have at last set out from Hobbiton, having heard no news from Gandalf despite his promise to come to travel with them. They meet very luckily with a traveling group of the Elves, having been followed for several days by the Nine Black Riders of Mordor, who seek Frodo and the Ring he carries. Gildor, a great Elf and the leader of this particular group who comes upon the Hobbits, speaks with Frodo of things they both fear, but of which he knows much more than the Hobbit. Frodo's quest is still far from entirely known to him, and he still hopes to one day return to his home in the Shire, though he feels in his heart that it will not be so. He expresses to Gildor his dismay that the Shire be one day taken over by something other than Hobbits, for to him they have always been there and should always be.

'But it is not your own Shire,' said Gildor. 'Others dwelt here before hobbits were; and others will dwell here again when hobbits are no more. The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot for ever fence it out.'
'I know - and yet it has always seemed so safe and familiar. What can I do now?'

Perhaps my words begin to get hard to follow. The thing that jumps out at me in these books is not the astonishing descriptions, the whole worlds and histories (and languages, in Tolkien's case) that these authors have created. It is the value which is given to honor, integrity, truth and Friendship. Friends are not just people who indulge you by listening to you brag about this or that or the other thing. They are those who walk alongside you as you travel Life's path. Whether you are a Christian or not, you cannot deny man's intrinsic need for others. Thoreau and Descartes may have been able to seclude themselves from society and turn out philosophical writings and hypotheses which shaped the entire world around them (whether immediately or posthumously, or both), but the Everyman needs Friendship. I truly believe that, when one chooses to fill his or her life not with true Friends, but with acquaintances that will help him or her get where they want to and advance in whatever field or arena they work or play in, a potentially fatal risk is taken. Perhaps it is not fatal to the physical life of that individual. But it is quite possibly fatal to their humanity, to their honor, to their integrity. I truly believe that Jesus Christ was, is and will ever be the sole man who could walk this earth at times completely and utterly alone and come out safely. And He happened to also be God, so that rules out pretty much everyone else. What I mean to say is: we have forgotten what Friendship is along with all of the other things we have pushed aside in the pursuit of fame, money and beauty. How is the term "Frenemy" even possible in any world? Why must we be so quick to ridicule men who are closer than brothers, assuming they are gay (and, thus, exposing our opinions of those who actually are, though they be but fallen human beings like ourselves)? I simply do not understand it. My last post spoke of my recent anxiety and lessons about friendship. What I write today will hopefully help you understand why my solitude (not 100%, as I have managed to snag and marry one of the most amazing men walking the earth today!) here so concerns me. How do I maintain Friends, and true Friendship, when all those that I hold dearest are so far away?