Things I like

I seem to blog in waves, since clearly this week I have posted more than in the past year+! However, after seeing a TED talk video on education (and how all over the world it's really quite backwards in its aims) I was intrigued. The speaker, Sir Ken Robinson, described a girl whose teacher and parents thought she had some kind of learning disability due to her inability to stay focused in class and lots of physical fidgeting. The doctor that was asked to come in realized after talking with her and her mother that she didn't have a learning disability. She was a dancer. (The story is much more detailed, interesting, and inspiring told by Sir Ken, but the gist is here for utilitarian purposes.)

This idea that we each have the need for expression through some kind of art--and not in some philosophical and hypothetical sense of the word, but true art--was shocking. And, not surprisingly, this was one of the points during this talk: we are taught out of our creativity. A creative job (i.e. a job in the arts) is never one that someone will tell you will be a "good" choice. Unless, of course, your name is Lennon, McCartney, or Bono. Having said that--did any of those three have any idea where they would end up? Being celebrated 50 years after their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, advocating in a bed for world peace, or standing up at political charity functions and next to the President, advocating for the world's poorest people? Not based on what I know of them. (And since they are three of my very favorite musicians, I have learned a few things about them.) Of course, this is just a demonstration of a few musical artists.

I don't know if my art is writing or singing. I love them both. I guess my question for myself is: what can you not stop yourself from doing? Perhaps it's this, as I felt the urge to come and share something with someone here, on the digital "page". Either way, I wanted to take a minute to see how many things I could list that I enjoy. Lately I have been feeling something like apathy when it comes to reflecting on "what I would like to be doing" or "what I enjoy about what I am currently doing [in school]". In no particular order other than how they come to my mind, here are some things that I enjoy:

• having a glass of wine with a dear one
• driving (if gas were free/before I was aware it wasn't)
• watching the Chicago Blackhawks
• hearing a great Beatles cover
• listening to the Beatles
• the smell of the ocean
• spending time with family
• speaking French
• traveling in France
• watching French movies
• reading and writing about French literature (especially if there were no quarters, grades, or deadlines)
• teaching 100-level French
• Chicago
• cuddling with my cats
• good sleep
• riding the bus (if it isn't one that feels like it might fall apart at any moment)
• having your smile smiled at, or being thanked for it
• exchanging a "hello" with someone you don't know
• writing without a time limit or a reason
• the idea of playing piano (it would be actually playing piano if I weren't so rusty)
• singing
• watching The Voice with my husband
• spending time with my husband when we're doing something that he loves and getting to see him enjoy himself
• spending time with friends and getting to know them better
• running into a friend around Ballard (or anywhere else, but it's happened here more than anywhere)
• knowing that I have siblings now through marriage
• remembering that I'm married and thinking about what that means
• thinking about being a TA forever (if that were possible, since I could keep teaching what I do now)
• hearing someone tell you you're on the right track
• knowing that God wants to know me better
• trying to understand that God sent his son to die for me
• trying to realize that each day will take care of itself, no matter how much or how little worry we throw into the pot with it
• cooking
• dreaming about the day I will have a dishwasher again
• dreaming about the day we might have a house

Clearly, I enjoy more things that I thought. Every time I'm asked, "Well, what do you want to do??" I never know what to say. There are, of course, other things. However, I think these are some of the most important right now, since they came to mind first. I guess I just don't want to be the one who doesn't understand that she's a "dancer", and I think this might be step 1 at this point. I've been feeling a bit lost, a bit sad, and a bit like I'm up a creek without a paddle. (In several areas of my life.) However, I have faith that God has reasons for this season (no rhyme intended...initially) and that He will bring me to the next step. 

Correction: Of Hope

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
 vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
 What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
 The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
 All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
 All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
 the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
 What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.
 Is there a thing of which it is said,
“See, this is new”?
It has been already
in the ages before us.
 There is no remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
among those who come after. (Ecclesiastes 1:2-11)

My devotional for this morning brought an important thing to my attention and prompted me to realize a correction to my previous post should be made. Perhaps more of a footnote. I'd like to be very clear. I am quite skeptical about the world and Western society today: what is valued, what is sought after, what is considered "good" or "bad" or "cool" or "lame". How we throw around derogatory terms without the awareness that they might hurt someone, and that words often hurt us more than physical injury. Having said all of this, I have been reminded this morning that in this fallen world, we can have hope, and we are urged to by our Creator. If you don't believe in a God because you see so much pain & suffering, I can understand. But, consider this: without pain, discomfort, suffering, and even untimely or violent death, would we even be aware of the good, the beautiful, the pure? Or would we just forget that sometimes we are lucky and fortunate/blessed enough to get to experience such moments, and that they stand out and are all the more noticeable thanks to (I dare use the term for attributing a positive cause, the distinction of which my French 103 students recently learned) the darkness we see more and more around us?

I realize that this might not be very uplifting, but I still urge you to consider this world--which is full of fallen people who all lack an essential, God-shaped piece--without the pain and the suffering, and to conceive of what that would mean. Man is considered by some current-day philosophers to have an intrinsic nature that always is seeking to improve, to advance, to create more. This is fine, but without God, "sans bornes" (loosely translated "without borders", but not in a physical sense of the term), it will sooner or later do more damage than good. Society, government--these are things we have created in an attempt to limit and control this tendency. However, as we participate in these, we often forget that we were created by something greater.

My previous post was relatively hopeless. This morning, I choose hope and I share this choice with you. I realize that my simple musings don't address or reach all of the complexities of pain, suffering, and the other circumstances in each person's life. However, I do hope that you will somehow be encouraged to know that a) as you can see from the verses, we have struggled with hopelessness for quite a long time (like, forever), and b) there is a Hope that you can claim, and One who ardently desires for you to come and dwell with Him at the Table. We cannot escape the darkness in the world no matter how much we try. We can choose to fight it with what it least expects and fears: HOPE and JOY. Be blessed, be well, and have hope today.

Unproductivity

Tonight, while I should be working on an annotated bibliography, I am feeling obliged to share some of what is going through my mind. I am worn out, though aware that it could be worse. There are things that, yes, I might avoid doing in order to provide "more time". However, I have learned that "more time" doesn't always mean "more satisfied" or "more rested". This is very problematic when we are expected to do so much all the time, every day. In academia, no matter how much awareness of the politics that are involved has risen, it is always a bit of a tooth and nail fight. Lately, I'm just not sure I have it in me to do this for the rest of my life. It's early in the program and I'm far from giving up. I did, however, come here to a PhD program because I figured it would finally be a time I could study what I wanted. I have been blessed with great professors and colleagues that have become friends and mentors. Really, I can't complain (but of course, I'll find something--just ask my husband!).

Our generation is at once victim and guilty--victim of previous generations' carelessness and thoughtlessness, and guilty of the same carelessness and thoughtlessness...paired with a growing apathy for the people and things around us. We blame it all on everyone else...while shutting them all out in the interest of a more exciting post on a social network. I do not understand our obsessions, though I am far from exempt from participating. We consume without reflecting on where what we consume must come from, and the things that must happen in order for it to be so. Sometimes, I'd just like to shake the earth a little bit (or at least the "Western world") and say, "Wake up!"

PhD etc.

In September, I started a PhD program at the University of Washington here in Seattle. Since then, I've made it through two quarters and it looks like about 10 months since my last post. A lot has changed, and continues to daily. I find myself constantly reflecting upon why I am where I am, where Michael and I are "headed" in the longer term (house, kids, etc.) and how it all fits together. Of course, none of these questions or musings can be resolved simply, and require patience and perseverance. (Duh.) In academia, your motives, goals and projects are constantly brought into question or call for a defense. It can get overwhelming very quickly, and often does. The trick is learning how to literally fake it 'til you make it, and to work in the meantime to find your way so that eventually you really are making it!

One huge difference in this program is the fact that I am essentially my own cohort. A strange concept, and one that I didn't really consider until partway through my first quarter, when I really began to feel the weight of all the newness--new colleagues, new professors, a new student body, a new book, a new class to teach. It was a LOT of new! Someone at that point--I believe a good friend also in academia, and whose advice has been invaluable to me ever since we both embarked on this journey--asked me, "Well, who else is in your cohort? Can you talk these issues over with them?" Nope, no can do. Of course, as a TA there are many people that I talk to often about those struggles. However, in general and as far as the entire process goes, I am really the only one on my particular track at this particular point. Luckily, I have since made a wonderful friendship with another PhD candidate who is really only one year (give or take) ahead of me. We both came in with MA's from other schools and are therefore having to jump through extra hoops to "prove ourselves". Both of our husbands have habits we wish they'd get rid of, and get along very well. We both enjoy cooking, eating, and just generally shooting the breeze when we get a free few minutes. It has been really refreshing and it's always nice to know there's someone who understands most aspects of a certain struggle. This quarter, Céline and I are in both of the same classes and have both been accepted into a certificate program for a Second Language Pedagogy Teaching track, so that's also exciting.

When I look at the big picture (finishing coursework and the certificate this year/next, dissertation the next two years after that, house, kids, ????), it's easy to just fa-reak OUT. However, lately I have been reminded of the intentional nature of God. He would not have put me in the department at UW if there weren't other purposes for me there. I'm not sure yet which purposes are the ones that matter most to Him, but I trust that whether it is the simple task of completing the degree or just sharing my views with everyone, it will fall into place. Michael and I have begun attending a new church in Greenlake that we both really enjoy and glean a lot from. Some of my close friends from high school also are regular attenders, so it has been fun to spend time together with them as couples, and we have a great time!

This leads me to the thing that I have recently realized about myself: I have unfinished grief-business that is almost 15 years old. My godfather, Dave's, death in 2000 threw my 13 year-old self didn't know how to deal, and really didn't. Everything around me changed in just a few months it seemed. Everything since changed or has been somehow impacted, also. However, I spend so much time focusing on the "positives" that came out of the tragedy (mostly relationships that were strengthened, changed, or started as a result of Dave's passing) distracted me until now from some important things that I needed to at the very least acknowledge. One of these was that I became sensitive to getting close to people. I have always had a lot of friends, but have never really had a best friend. Many of my friends now have been close friends for a long time, but I've also allowed other friendships to essentially fall by the wayside. Now as I look back, I realize that in those relationships, when things got hard, I kind of just shut down; I didn't want to deal with the pain of a monumental "death" of the relationship, so I just let it fade out. I'm grateful that the majority of those relationships remain intact, even if they aren't how I might have wanted them to stay. God has blessed me with people in all seasons of my life, but I believe that I have sometimes left undone the tasks He wants us to do to keep those relationships--the ones that create a community around us. This saddens me greatly. However, I can't go back and so am trying to make a conscious effort moving forward to avoid leaving these things undone in laziness.

Another element that is left over from Dave's death is doing the dishes. Yes, you read that right. If you know me or have been around Michael and I in the past year, you will know how big of a role this issue has played in our day-to-day recently. I know it's been a mystery to him, but the fact is that it was also a mystery to me: why was I so dang hung up on this chore? Sure, we don't have a dishwasher here in our apartment, it's tiny, and the dishes seem to pile up the second you finish doing them. Having said that, is it really a life or death moment?? Well, kind of. In the week and a half before Dave's death, there were a bunch of us that were pretty cooped up in one house, and there wasn't much to do. People eat, and dishes accumulate. So, I did the dishes because it was really one of the only things that I could do. I really think that ever since I have hung more importance on that task than it could ever possibly take--in any relationship. Now, I try to leave the dishes alone every once in a while. I am grateful that I live in a home with two cats and a husband who are all very alive, and I know that despite this, you never know when your time might come. I want to take advantage of the little free time that I have. And so I leave the dishes or do them early in the morning when I'm up getting ready before anyone else.

A few photos from the past few months:

Simone & I have known each other since we were petites filles at the French American School. Her encouragement and support in all things academic has been invaluable, and I treasure our friendship!

Christmas was wonderful; we got to be with both families and didn't have to fly across the country to do so. It marked the last holiday we hadn't gotten to since our move back to the PNW--it's officially been a year!

The weekend before my birthday, we went out to Sequim to visit Michael's dear cousins, Christopher & Wanda. Of course, we forgot to snap any photos of them...so we'll just have to go back and visit again. (It was windy while we were there!)

My brother-in-law, Joel, and his band Hidden History played their first live show in Seattle in March. Here are the Burgess sisters (Joel's wife, Ella, his sister, Crystal, and myself) at the show.

Michael and I met up with some of my second cousins in Everett for dinner. Lisa & Jodie are some fun ladies, and we're looking forward to more times together soon :)

Michael, Dennis & Joe also had a good time catching up. As you can see, Michael's beard is reaching monumental proportions...

Week-old reflections on city dwelling, and other updates.

In mid-May, Michael and I relocated to Ballard, in NW Seattle. We loved Camano, and miss it, but he was ever commuting and I had little luck finding a job that wasn’t an hour or more away. In the fall, I will also start back up at the University of Washington, which is just a few miles from us here, so that also was an added incentive to find someplace closer. We are fortunate to have been able to find a wonderful place here, and that we could afford to move when we did. Michael and his dad actually just remodeled the apartment we moved in to, so it is almost like brand new save for the layout—it is the top level of one of the sweet old houses that seem to make up the majority of this area of town.

City living is something that, while you remember it well once you’ve done it, is drastically different city to city, apartment to apartment, street to street. In Chicago I was so far back in the building that street noise was usually only audible when an ambulance or fire truck passed by; otherwise the only sound came from my landlord’s office next door, someone passing through the hallway to get to the street or garage, or my upstairs neighbors. However, one of the things that I often wished I had there was more natural light: the studio usually only capted a tiny bit of sunshine, in the morning or afternoon depending on the time of year. This for that, I suppose!

Michael and I have never really lived anywhere near downtown, though being from “the Seattle area” when you introduce yourself elsewhere in the country makes you feel as if you know it like the back of your hand. After moving back from Georgia, we quickly realized how little we knew it, let alone all of the other areas that have been growing (perhaps a bit akin to the speed of weeds, to be totally frank...) between the city and Camano. We were familiar with Lynnwood, Stanwood, and Camano. Not too helpful when you are looking for somewhere to live closer to the city. I was completely intimidated by the search for a place to rent, having no inkling of many areas, commute routes, and what a fair price really was. In Ballard we found a location that very much feels like it’s own little neighborhood, but that is close to the locks, the zoo, University Village and the UW, and I-5. Of course, “close” is sometimes relative...usually between the hours of 8-10am and 3-7pm :) Everything just seems to take a lot longer then, for some reason!

So we are acclimating to a new city, slowly but surely. It has been hard being quite far away from my parents, but fortunately we have more time now to plan our weekends, and often get to see both families. I guess, really, we are just arriving at a certain state of normalcy—most people don’t live down the street from their parents forever! Not to say it is a negative thing if you do. Being here has given us so much opportunity to spend more time together and to enjoy discovering our part of the city at our leisure. I recently also started a job at Pottery Barn in University Village, which has been a fun experience so far. Last week I took the bus here for the first time, which brought back many memories from Chicago. It is a strange experience riding with complete strangers. While there are times where it can be uncomfortable in the wrong way, lately I am feeling urged (through reading and prayer) to “hang out” in the discomfort of “doing life” with others around you. I think that today, we usually see others as an inconvenience, especially when they cut us off on the freeway, take the last good apple, or that back seat we wanted to shrink into on the metro. You can’t expect to meet or get to know them all, and that is not at all what I am advocating. Having said that, will it really hurt you to say hello to someone sitting next to you, to ask who the flowers are for, or what’s for dinner? I was pleasantly surprised to meet a father on his way to his daughter’s middle school graduation last week, rose in hand. He went on and on about how girls are so much easier, and he was so happy to have two. (This is the first of his two to embark into high school next fall, so I’d love to have a follow-up with him after that first semester!) In certain contexts, I might have thought that was a bit of a strange thing to say, but come to find out he has five sisters. Makes sense, then! It was a conversation that will likely be the only one we’ll share, but it was sure better than sitting awkwardly in each others’ personal space in silence. So go out, say hi to the person you find yourself next to the next time you’re riding a bus or a train. Who knows—you might even become friends! Years ago I was on the train to Portland and ended up sitting next to someone my age; we struck up a conversation and kept in touch for many years, though we’ve lost touch now. You never know!

The following segment was from about 10 days ago, and the Chicago Blackhawks have since become repeat winners of the Stanley Cup!!! We were so happy to be able to watch what ended up being the last game at our home with Michael's brother and sister-in-law. We could hardly believe the last 6 minutes of the game, in which Boston scored to make it a one-goal game, followed by a goal to tie it from Chicago in the second-to-last minute. At that point, I was really preparing myself for Game 7. However, we were rewarded for our cheers with a second Chicago goal to make it a one-goal score in our favor, just 17 seconds later! With just 58 seconds left in the game, we hoped against hope that that was it...and it was! Pretty sure our next door neighbors thought we were crazy, but we really didn't mind :) [I do my best to avoid falling into superstitions, but the past few years that has been hard when it comes time for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. This year, despite the delay of a multi-month lockout, hockey has been a constant presence in our home(s) and we have really enjoyed it. Following the Chicago Blackhawks has also been particularly fun, since they were the number one team in the entire league for all but a few days somewhere about two thirds of the way through the regular season! This week we are in full swing of the final series in the playoffs, trying to stave off the Boston Bruins from an earlier repeat than us with the cup (they won in 2011, the year following us in 2010). Unfortunately, we have lost the last two games and are down 2-1 in the series. All of that to say that if you have any kind of lucky ritual and feel like giving it a whirl for our Chi-town boys, I won’t stop you!]