An update: baby, school, anniversary, and finding one's joy

     As I write this, I am drinking a cup of coffee that reminds me of a French café allongé (an Americano, as we know it) in my old -- now closed -- favorite café in Lille and listening to the White Album. I'm not sure why this relatively bizarre collection of Beatles' songs has always held a special place in my heart, when there are so many other albums of theirs that are much less full of angst, but it must speak to the first times I listened to it as a pre-teen and life events of that time. This is therefore a particularly apt choice of music for this morning, as I have about a million near-nostalgic thoughts swimming around in my mind. Thanks to some much-needed downtime after three weeks of harried PhD exam writing, I am realizing that there is much to share and record. I apologize in advance for what I know will be a long post; in anticipation of this I am sectioning it into titled sections so that you may read in various sittings, should you wish.

Section I: An apology for insensitivity

     My last post came on a bit too strong, and I want to apologize for any offense that was taken from it as a result. I knew, in the moment I wrote it, that I was extremely wound up and emotional, and should have at least sat on it for a day or two before rereading and posting. Part of this lack of responsibility might be attributed to pregnancy hormones and the fact that things that would already upset me do so to the extreme right now. However, I find this still to be an excuse that can't stand on its own two feet, given the fact that one should always remain acutely aware of the strange permanence of posting something to the digital universe. Even short Facebook posts can deeply offend, and the oft-over-defensive retort that, "It's a free country and we have freedom of expression/to each their own" etc. etc. is frankly just a way of saying that one doesn't have the patience to reflect upon the impact that words can have -- sometimes lasting much longer than a physical injury. I completely own up to this type of attitude when it comes to my previous post, and I hope that you will accept my apology.
     The topic of Val Plumwood's book is also extremely complex, and for this reason I think my post was not only offensive, but likely confusing. Plumwood is a philosopher, and I think anyone who is not a philosopher would agree that philosophical texts tend to be extremely challenging, no matter how much one cares about the topic discussed. While what I have read of this particular text seems quite straightforward, it addresses an astounding breadth of issues and information in a mere 50-60 pages. For me to attempt a concise discussion and reaction to such an excerpt is nearly as silly as the tone that I allowed to seep through my commentary.
     I hoped that what I was saying was coming from a "good" place, and I meant for it to. However, I would hazard to guess that anyone who read it and had no idea who wrote it would see clearly its lack of openness. Please know that, while the majority of what I said is truly how I feel, this was not at all my intention. In future posts that discuss any such issues, I will do my best to better reread and edit for tone and objectivity.

Section II: Baby's moving!

     I am 19 weeks along today and baby is due on October 18th. With exams done, I am finally starting to allow myself to think about all the things a first-time mom thinks about during pregnancy. Yesterday, I spent most of the day working on registries -- not an easy task prior to knowing whether we're expecting a boy or a girl (we'll know soon). While overwhelming, it is an important task as I anticipate the 3-4 baby showers that will take place over the next four and a half months. Michael and I are constantly looking at each other and talking about how lucky we are to be surrounded by such a host of family and friends who have already given us so much for Baby B.
     It was fitting that the first time we felt the baby move was this weekend. I have had pretty bad discomfort all around the mid-section (not surprising, but the intensity has jumped significantly in just a few days), but thanks to realizing that my stomach is no longer where it used to be, I was able to distinguish a baby-limb poke from indigestion late last night and this morning. It is just the strangest thing. Frankly, much of the changes and feelings and realizations of being pregnant have grossed me out. I know many women are just enamored with this experience, and I in no way am resentful of the changes or wishing that they weren't happening. However, the intense stress I've experienced throughout this quarter has elevated each change to a bizarre place, and one that has been hard to process when I have rarely felt like there are enough hours in the day to simply get through when I need to! Having said this, the movement has, not surprisingly, made much of this change to feel more positive than angsty.

Section III: PhD exams, another obstacle passed

     On May 1st, I began three weeks of intense writing and study that ended just about a week ago on the 18th. This period followed about two months of equally intense reading and preparing, all while maintaining a 5 day/week 5am wake-up in order to arrive to campus to teach at 8:30am. It has been, looking back, one of the hardest seasons of my academic life. This is a super obvious statement but one that I needed to make, since it is very nearly over! My oral exam will take place this upcoming Friday from 12-2pm. After all of the hard work and fatigue that I've gone through in such a short time, I am surprisingly calm about what is, in some universities, a full-on interrogation about what you just put your mental blood, sweat and tears into. I can say with quite a bit of confidence that I anticipate neither an interrogation nor being put on the spot in an uncomfortable manner. If you can't answer a question, you either didn't really do your work or it's something that you can gracefully displace to dissertation research in a response.
     I often found myself reflecting on a similarly-intense period during my Master's in Chicago as I read, wrote and rewrote. In many ways, I often felt like I had an easier time pushing myself during that period, as I was living alone. However, having to balance a pregnancy, interpersonal communication with Michael, care of three crazy felines and a much earlier schedule deepened the experience and often sharpened my periods of reading and thinking. I can honestly say that I learned many lessons over the past several months, and that they weren't all related to 19th century literature or Animal Studies. Through it all, I have felt or been reminded of the Lord's provision of the strength and concentration that one needs in such times when we are very aware of the fact we are traversing an obstacle or a time of trial.

Section IV: Celebrating 6 years and finally starting to understand "wedded bliss"

     Six years and one day ago, Michael and I were married on a gorgeous, 75-degree sunny day in front of family and friends. I must admit that, being quite sick the day of, I remember little of that day that I can't find in the many photographs that we have. This has often embittered my feelings about it, since so many anniversary posts of friends, family, and acquaintance on things like Facebook are effusively reflecting on the intense joy and emotion felt on that "best day of their lives". Quite honestly, I have not been able to say that and mean it, which has always made me feel like perhaps I'm secretly a horrible person. However, the past year, I have slowly but surely felt that May 23rd, 2009 might just have been the best day of my life.
     I'm sure that, even if one only read my sporadic blog posts and never interacted in person or via email with Michael or myself, it would be clear that we have undergone intense struggles in our marriage these first six years. If you are married, this is perhaps a ridiculous-sounding statement, since all marriages, no matter how happily they begin, are bound for rocky seas at one point or another. Michael and I just happen to be particularly skilled at setting ourselves up for some of the most challenging circumstances to even give "wedded bliss" a chance! The first two years lived apart, three moves in a year and a half (one cross-country), major job transitions (including getting out of the Army after 7 years), and finally having to navigate the dynamics of nearby in-laws for both of us are just the visible transitions we've stumbled through. (Let me be clear that this last "struggle" is one that came/comes not out of dislike for either set of in-laws, but rather from a pronounced difference in upbringing that is only ever made evident after two people begin living together and interacting frequently with the other's family!)
     While I personally think the term "wedded bliss" is a bit of a fabrication, I don't think marriage was made by God with the intention of feeling like purgatory. The oft-circulated sayings about how married life is meant to be miserable feel equally superficial to me. Our culture seems to only be able to comprehend and accept intense happiness and extreme misery, and thus more often than not actively rejects and ridicules anything in-between. It's wonderful to celebrate happiness and to bemoan the dark moments of life and love. However, I think the intense hesitation to see and expose the messy in-between, the workings-out, the sharpening of our souls on one another through our relationships, is ultimately detrimental to them. If we can only show to others (or our spouse) the fabulous or the horrible (i.e. "wedded bliss" or divorce), we eliminate the richness of truly living and experiencing these true struggles of becoming. A wedding day is by all means a very sacred time for a couple -- you pledge in front of God, family and friends your commitment to each other and to becoming one. However, this oneness by no means happens by some magical and perfect kiss on the lips witnessed by those in attendance. A dear friend of mine has consistently explained to me how in her marriage, after 15+ years, she is just now beginning to feel like she is beginning to be one with her husband. It is work, not magic. God is 100% capable of miracles, but he will not allow us to bypass the grittiness of relationship to jump to some kind of perfect state of being with one another. This is also true, in a slightly different sense, in friendship. The idea that fighting with one's spouse or a dear friend is the end of that relationship and should be avoided at all costs is sadly mistaken. ("Fighting" is taken as too strong a term by some that I've spoken with -- "significant differences of opinion" or "disagreement", etc. are also good terms. I by no means mean a fight in a boxing ring or one that becomes verbally abusive.) Such a moment is an opportunity! Yes, an uncomfortable, awkward and hard-to-navigate opportunity that does not always feel fruitful at the time. But an opportunity indeed! When a couple is in a period of perfect harmony, it is certainly wonderful, but conflict expands the potential for us to understand one another better, and to continue to "learn each other". The same friend I mentioned a few lines ago also describes the clearest movements towards feeling more like one as the times when she or her husband are purposefully attempting to be students of the other. Let us be students, not critics.
     I am happier than I have been in a very long time, perhaps ever. Michael will tell you that I "only get excited about three things: new episodes of the TV show Bones, ice-hockey, and France". It's true that I am not a very outwardly bouncy person, though I don't think I'm outwardly an Eeyore, either. Whatever I am, he has helped me understand that we should try to show our small moments of joy and happiness to those around us, whether it comes naturally or not. Despite his knowing that I'm not naturally this way, Michael is the kind of person who looks for visible signs that I am happy or satisfied with something instead of just taking it for granted. I have had to hear this over and over from him for me to finally start to realize that it is totally in my "power" -- or God's, though prayer and requesting more of this impulse -- to improve this aspect of our marriage. "Fake it 'til you make it" will always sound cliché, but I would propose that it's usually true, though the reasons why are different in each context of application.
     The trials of the past six years have made me more grateful than ever for what I have. Sometimes, marriage and life feels a bit like listening to Revolution #9 on a good sound system (it's playing as I type this sentence): a bit confounding, very bizarre, disorienting. At others, you notice the moments of beauty in the "song": the baby laughing, the now passed-on John Lennon speaking and making weird noises, the everyday sounds of the city. But if we can listen to the messiness of the middle, and let it wash over us and just settle in to it, it's easier to let go of the angst of that struggle and to "enjoy" the growth that can happen and the crescendo towards the resolution of that struggle -- however "blissful" by society's standards.
   

The ironies of reason and rationality

In preparing for my Phd General exams next month, I have just come across a text that perhaps I should have read months ago. It's somewhat irrelevant for what I want to say here which text it is, since it has only confirmed things that I have been reflecting upon and reading about since first embarking into Animal Studies and all topics connected to it just about a year ago.

The unfortunate thing is, I'm sure most of you who just read that last sentence have now had some form of the thought, "Oh, so she works with animals, or on animal ethics." Yes, but no. The thing is, and what this text I'm in the middle of is making glaringly obvious, is that we don't get to choose between animals or humans. We need them and their environment (which just so happens to be our own, too) and yet they are completely disregarded by us in the ways that the Western world deals with them and with their bodies. We are trashing the earth (whether we see it or not) and as soon as they are gone, we will be soon to follow. "What of science?" you ask. Well, the thing this text is reminding me is that we haven't actually adapted to our changing environment. We still eat the most meat in the world in the US (by a LANDSLIDE.) and are so used to being able to buy strawberries whether it's Christmas or summer that we don't contemplate what it means to produce or import them from the places that can grow these things off-season. If we expected to outlive animals (which we clearly do, given the amount of information out there that tens if not hundreds of species will go extinct in less than 50 years, but we continue to live life as usual) then we should probably consider adapting. Science and knowledge won't help us if we refuse alternative types of nutrition. This is a complex issue, but it's pivotal to the existence of animals and its impact on the existence of humans.

To "love animals" is, in our culture, often connected to emotions, and not in a good way. Consider the tone people take when they say things like, "Oh, she's just being a woman." or "Stop being a girl about it!" Read="She's being emotional, and thus she must be acting "like a woman"...because men have never experienced a freaking emotion in their life! Or, "Stop being weak already!" I'm sorry, but I think one of the biggest reasons our society has so much trouble with the LGBT community and issues related to this, as well as women and animals, is that the "rationalism" that infuses every inch of our capitalist culture is only allowed to come from the hetero, white, Western man. Why are men considered to be less emotional or connected to their bodies, when it seems that they are so much less in control of their physicality, sexuality, etc. than women? Women can go weeks without sex, thank you very much, but a man? Oh, no. Because this is, after all, what has always been meant when people say men are "more rational". They can control themselves better. Then what do we make of Caesar's murder, or Jesus' death on the cross (whether you believe he was resurrected or not), or perhaps cops killing non-cops? I just don't see the line of reasoning. The problem is, what is "rational" doesn't actually employ reason. It is working out of a broken system that idolizes physical, financial, and social power - a power, let's be clear, that is only attainable by a small percentage of huge populations.

These thoughts are coming out quicker than I can edit them properly, but I am so worked up about it that I need them to be read. So me, it's obvious that things need to give in our attitude towards how we use nature and non-human beings. I would also put forth that it's about time we start respecting all the other human beings around us, but this issue is one that I must leave in the previous paragraph. The ecological crisis was likened in the text I'm reading to the Titanic. I will close with this quote, for fear of becoming so convoluted in my thoughts that it becomes completely unintelligible.

"...we have received the iceberg warning, and have made the remarkable decision to double the engine speed to Full Speed Ahead and go below to get a good night's rest. A change of course might be bad for business, we might have to slow down, lose time. Nothing, not even the ultimate risk of the death of nature, can be allowed to hold back the triumphant progress of the ship of rational fools."       (Emphasis mine.)

-Val Plumwood, Environmental Culture: The ecological crisis of reason

Things I need to get off my chest...

The season of Lent began last Wednesday, and I had no idea what to give up. I've decided to attempt being more positive. My schedule has been a total thrash the past few months, and it's made me too quick to take the low, bad-attitude road.

Now that I've said that, a few not-so-positive thoughts have been swimming in my head lately, and I really just need to get them out.

1. The Oscars are not necessarily the place to raise awareness, but sometimes it happens to happen there. Just because the thing you wanted awareness raised for didn't get "recognized" (though it's already pretty damn amazing to even be nominated...but you're right, winning is the only answer) doesn't mean it isn't something that was not worthy of it, or that something else wasn't also worthy of getting recognized. Try putting yourself in the shoes of the people who were recognized, and just have some empathetic happiness for them.

I would also guess that many of the people who are making the comments I'm referencing likely have only seen the movie they wanted to win. While this certainly isn't an isolated case, I just feel like we shouldn't really criticize until we know what it is we're criticizing (and not just something that isn't what we saw and liked already). It would also be helpful to understand the historical and cultural contexts (when they apply, and Lord knows they did for most of the nominations this year) that these films are coming from. Again, they all were deserving of recognition, and I believe that by being nominated they did get at least a portion of that.

(One optimistic Oscar comment: I sure hope that more young people are aware of the Sound of Music is! Loved that tribute, loved Lady Gaga's performance, loved Julie Andrews' reaction. And of course, love that classic musical.)

2. People driving 10+ miles over the speed limit who do things like passing in the merging lane just drive me crazy. I don't understand how their life and the lives of the people in the other cars don't mean enough to them to just have some patience. Again, if we could imagine what we would feel like if someone did whatever we're thinking about doing back to us, it might make us think twice about it.

That is all for my rant. I have already noticed a huge boost in energy and attitude from just trying to be more positive, but these things have been weighing on me as I've driven to and from Park & Rides and watched peoples' reactions on Facebook to the Oscars. Let's try to empathize and think twice.

Taking time to come to His shelter

Despite the fact that I have little time to spare in this last (!!! YES!!!) week of Fall Quarter, I am feeling that it is important that I take a few moments to reflect upon the past few months. It has been a whirlwind: buying a house, starting my 2nd year towards a PhD, having bought a house, dealing with a new commute, dealing with having bought a house...basically the house has crammed my ever-busy-bein' mind to the gills. And often, that has not been a happy place for me to be. Today, however, after months of others being so happy and excited for this new step in our lives (and now that most of the place is looking lived-in!), I really am thankful for this home. It has taught me some surprising things:

1. It is important to go with the flow. Even if this means literally, going with the flow of rain that lets you know of the tiny holes in your roof and the water coming out of your dishwasher. Because, in my charmed life, I am married to and the daughter-in-law of two Handymen who will not only fix the roof in an afternoon, but find a gently-used, good-lookin' dishwasher to replace the old one just by remodeling a kitchen. Actually, we were on the receiving end of three such appliances from the same job! So going with the flow, while challenging mentally, can pay off. And if it doesn't literally pay off, your patience (for yourself, another person or a certain type of situation or disaster) will grow.

2. Sweeping twice a day, everyday really isn't all that bad. Our little house is all hard-floored. This is great on the one hand, since you can't sweep carpet and with two cats, fur accumulates way too fast. However, since we have outside-entrances on either side of the house (and the most-often used is on the kitchen-side), dirt accumulates quickly. However, because our home is quite small, it takes me all of about 15 minutes to sweep and clean the cat box (another one of my favorite daily chores). So, really, I can't complain or make many logical excuses to not just pick up the goshdurned broom and sing a little Mary Poppins tune while I sweep (though luckily, not the chimney!).

3. A woodstove isn't magic, and requires a LOT of poking and prodding...but I CAN make a fire! Our house is only heated by our trusty woodstove, since two of three wallheaters are kaputt and we don't really care to spend money to repair an inefficient source of energy. As a result, these cold snaps Seattle has been experiencing have provided some lessons in patience. Initially, the dry wood that we had abounded and we still had lots of newspaper. Now, however, we still have lots of wood but much of it hasn't had the time it would like to dry properly, making it difficult to really get a fire going, and definitely to keep it going. However, I do know how to make and maintain a fire, now!

4. New space, new pace -- and lots of grace! With a new commute that requires me to be away by 6:15am five days per week, I am usually hitting a pretty big energy wall by around 2pm. I also have what feels like five more excuses to lounge around doing nothing all evening every evening. However, the quarter system scoffs at such behavior no matter what time you get up, and so Michael and I are finally getting adjusted to these types of changes in our life. He has been trying to get up earlier so that he comes home earlier, too, making it more doable to eat dinner together and both get to sleep at a decent hour. These are hard habits to create, though, so we are trying to give ourselves and each other grace in the process. We have been working to notice the lessons it's teaching us and to talk about it all to avoid bottling up every little annoyance, and that seems to be working quite well.

All in all, I am reflecting today on the things I am grateful for, though I too often choose to think about the things that I wish were more balanced or more easily taken care of. We both have jobs and incomes, families that are nearby, and a home that we know will be quite nearly perfect for us quite soon. God always seems to want to teach you one more lesson than you think you are capable of learning, but we aim to learn despite ourselves. Today, may we all come into the Lord's shelter -- whatever that may mean for you at this moment. Some of us literally need physical shelter today, but others might need shelter from hunger, anxiety, prejudice...really anything can bring us to our knees and needing help. Seek His arms, for He longs to shelter you.

Two pages in

Since my last post, Michael and I have bought a house, moved, and I have started my second year at the University of Washington. This morning, however, I write because I need to share something that I am feeling, and that I know I will continue to feel and encounter for the next three years, given my chosen course of research and work.

This morning, I am putting together the first draft of a reading list for my Critical Animal Studies exam, which will take place in the Spring. I've just cracked open the introduction to Matthew Scully's book, Dominion, which is a call to compassion and our nature-given (or God-given, as I believe he also strongly asserts) duty to animals.

I have read two pages, and I am heartbroken. Think about what you eat and where it comes from today. Reflect upon and wonder at the clothes you wear and the shoes you covet, and how they might be made. If this brings you to consider things like sweat shops and less-than minimum wage jobs, that's not a bad thing, either. Our consumption of food and of things has increased to the point that we engender horrific conditions and circumstances in order to meet these "needs".

I'm sure you're all excited for the weekend; I am too. But today please, feel something for these living, breathing beings that are, grossly more often than not, treated more like a machine than what they are. This brings me to mourning, but it also urges me, cries out to me to work each day to ask questions and to respect the beings that surround me and that are often hidden from me in the interest of production.