A little overwhelmed in a lot of areas

     I have long put off updating my blog, but today am needing to take some serious time to try to process many different things. As I write, it is still swelteringly warm here in the Seattle area, though we did get some much-needed rain last week. I certainly didn't anticipate this being the situation here when I was thinking about being pregnant at the end of the summer; normally 80's are pretty exceptional! It would be the summer where we broke record after heat record that my firstborn would be cooking...pun intended, though somewhat in bad taste. Needless to say, it has been the most challenging part of my pregnancy. I was so fortunate to have little to no nausea and few aversions early on, as several of my friends have recently had particularly trying pregnancies. I suppose it is some comfort that most of those around me feel the same way about the heat, but the past few days I have really struggled to keep any good attitude going, though I know I have little to complain about in the big scheme of things!
     The heat is certainly overwhelming, but lately there have been many other things that have been getting under my skin, often in a sort of exponential way. While our house feels more and more like home each day, the street corner we live on seems to see people driving less and less cautiously by the hour, and I find myself physically stressed by it. It's really a general feeling as I go from place to place in the Seattle area. I just don't understand when getting somewhere ASAP became more important than one's own safety and the safety of others. It physically irritates me, much of the time. Having said this, we chose this house and knew it was a busy corner! So I am just trying to name the things that are currently stress factors in my daily life in order to work towards letting them go, at least a little bit. Of course, we didn't know we would have two cats spending their days outdoors when we bought this place, which is largely why I get so stressed as I hear the drivers hardly slow down as they turn, few of whom seem to think looking before you cross traffic/into a different street are necessary anymore (It's all about "me", right? OTHERS are supposed to look out for "me"!). However, this, too, is a choice Michael and I have made.
     The other two things that have been a bit stifling at times are pretty broad, so I've decided to separate them using headers to make the formatting easier to read.

Being round, growing a human
     While we planned this pregnancy and it happened at basically the perfect time given my degree trajectory in the PhD program, I really haven't had much time to really process it until quite recently. Of course, this has also been the time I'm really showing and dealing with all of the changes a woman's body undergoes whilst growing a whole other person in what wasn't a very large space to begin with. Due to the fact that I had lots of reading prep to do before my exams, and then my exams, and then summer teaching, I had to kind of "put off" getting too into the processing side that I think many women need to go through before babies arrive. Now, it feels like it might be too little too late, and I'm feeling super protective of myself and Michael. I've been fortunate to have few awkward moments (i.e. strangers touching the bump, etc.), but even family doing so feels very strange and not great. However, I know that a baby should be shared and enjoyed by all those who will surround him for a long time, and that this should start during pregnancy. Not that I think I should auction off conversation time with my bump, but I feel a bit guilty of how I sometimes react in some of these moments.
     Along with the physical side of the deal, the idea (pressure?) of getting a place ready for baby is extremely overwhelming if one lets it be what much of Western society has made it out to be. While we had originally planned to reinsulate and paint the room that will be the baby's (while remaining my office), Michael and I are now back to square one, which really entails little to no change to the room itself. Unfortunately, new humans do require at least a piece or two of furniture, though it isn't hard to get creative and avoid going overboard. The puzzle that is the relatively small space we have has become something that I daily reflect upon, and usually with at least a small amount of angst. Having said this, I must also point out how incredibly blessed we have already been by so many friends and family, as we have nearly every piece of furniture that we need, along with much clothing and accessories. So this should really be a "good problem"! Ironically, the small felines and their litter boxes are the biggest issue in there, so we are in the process of planning a different spot for those to minimize stink and mess!
     Coming back to my initial point about not starting to process being pregnant much until now, the whole idea of how much our life is about to change is constantly in the back of my mind. In January, I will go back to work and will [hopefully] start working on my dissertation. It's hard to keep in my mind that from October on, there will be another person depending on me nearly 24/7, and that establishing new routines might not even be in my control anymore. However, I know that God has brought this all about in His time, and that He is preparing Michael and I to deal with those transitions to the best of our humble abilities. It's the trusting that and not forgetting it that's the challenge!

10 pages away from starting a dissertation
     The other major thing that has been overwhelming me significantly the past couple of weeks, and days in particular, is a relatively short document that separates me from the beginning of my dissertation -- the prospectus. I keep telling people, "Yeah, it's for late September, early October, so not problem. And it's only 10 pages!" Yes, in theory, it is FAR from an impossible task, especially given that, in my opinion, the hardest work to prepare for this next step was done in May as I wrote my three exams and then discussed them with my committee. Frankly, it isn't the length or the subject matter that I'm having a hard time getting over (as in getting over a hill or mountain...take your pick). It's just STARTING the dang thing. I know that all I need to focus on is just getting some things down on the computer-screen-page (or the real page, depending on how it shakes out). Trying to craft a perfect first sentence on the first day of working on something like this is, in my opinion, just asking for a fight you don't need. Introductions that are written first will always need adjustments, so why would a first sentence be any different??
     I guess in those last couple statements, it seems like I've figured out just how I need to start this thing. But that's just it; it's never that easy and you all know it.
     After the month of May, which was an intense time of immersing myself more than ever in the literature, theory and ideas of the three major fields I will attempt to integrate for my dissertation project, I just didn't have it in me to keep going right away. The committee urged me to take some time off during the oral exam -- as I'm sure they do every candidate they move forward. However, a "couple of weeks" has now morphed into a couple of months, and I'm really on the edge of what is reasonable, if you ask me. So, naturally, it's not just that FIRST sentence that's haunting me, but ALL of them. Returning to a project that will require me to look quite deeply into some of the biggest issues with the modern world as well as within myself, and that I know full well is going to bring me often to my knees with the tragedy of many of the realities of our world...for some reason, this just isn't something that sounds good to me right now! I just want to sit around and feel round and wishing I had more energy than I do and that this damn heat wave would go wave at someone else already!
     Stopping here is not an option, though. I strongly believe that it was no accident that I took the only graduate seminar in the French department last Spring, and that it happened to be on a field that I didn't even know existed. It was also no accident that this field -- Animal Studies -- was not at ALL all about cat videos and "cute animal friends", like I wondered/worried it might be. No, it was about anything but that (though of course, those of us working in this field are not immune to the cuteness that is all of those things!!!). It considered many things, but some of the ones that stuck out most to me: chickens without beaks that can hardly move in cages too small, animals fed the remains of their former fellows, a horrendous "disassembly line" that characterizes most slaughterhouses and where many animals suffer a horrible death after living a horrible life... I often wept as I read the supplemental articles and even some of the fictional novels we read, but could not NOT continue. I was urged to "censor" myself from such readings as much as I needed, but I knew that God had brought me to this subject. We do live in a world that is irreversibly broken until God returns. However, this doesn't mean we shouldn't try to help do GOOD here. I feel that more people need to understand the food/meat industries, and that we are all complicit/responsible. Having said this, God has NOT brought me here to berate or accuse as I share about these industries. So few of the population of the West is even aware of these practices and where their food comes from that it is ridiculous to treat them as if they should know every detail. While this in itself, and the fact that the package of perfectly deboned and defeathered chicken sitting in your grocery case came from a living thing, are questioned much less than they should be, it is still no excuse for some of the ways that animal rights activists choose to try to get their information across to the ignorant. As a Christian, I have come to a place where I feel that, while discussing these issues with people is paramount, often it is simply by example that we can have the biggest impact. If we do not live by our own words, how can we possibly expect others to be interested, let alone emulate, the changes we are proposing?
     So, all of THAT to say why I need to dig deep these next couple of weeks to get some first sentence, even if it isn't THE first sentence. I believe that I have a responsibility to continue to learn and question about these issues, and how my faith interacts and calls me to this study. It is a taxing one, but I believe that we have become too accustomed to not having to see the ugliness that is meant to contrast with beauty, and that is meant to CALL us to be better and to seek the good in the most unexpected places. I hope to continue down this path with as much grace and integrity as possible.
     Just 10 pages away!

An update: baby, school, anniversary, and finding one's joy

     As I write this, I am drinking a cup of coffee that reminds me of a French café allongé (an Americano, as we know it) in my old -- now closed -- favorite café in Lille and listening to the White Album. I'm not sure why this relatively bizarre collection of Beatles' songs has always held a special place in my heart, when there are so many other albums of theirs that are much less full of angst, but it must speak to the first times I listened to it as a pre-teen and life events of that time. This is therefore a particularly apt choice of music for this morning, as I have about a million near-nostalgic thoughts swimming around in my mind. Thanks to some much-needed downtime after three weeks of harried PhD exam writing, I am realizing that there is much to share and record. I apologize in advance for what I know will be a long post; in anticipation of this I am sectioning it into titled sections so that you may read in various sittings, should you wish.

Section I: An apology for insensitivity

     My last post came on a bit too strong, and I want to apologize for any offense that was taken from it as a result. I knew, in the moment I wrote it, that I was extremely wound up and emotional, and should have at least sat on it for a day or two before rereading and posting. Part of this lack of responsibility might be attributed to pregnancy hormones and the fact that things that would already upset me do so to the extreme right now. However, I find this still to be an excuse that can't stand on its own two feet, given the fact that one should always remain acutely aware of the strange permanence of posting something to the digital universe. Even short Facebook posts can deeply offend, and the oft-over-defensive retort that, "It's a free country and we have freedom of expression/to each their own" etc. etc. is frankly just a way of saying that one doesn't have the patience to reflect upon the impact that words can have -- sometimes lasting much longer than a physical injury. I completely own up to this type of attitude when it comes to my previous post, and I hope that you will accept my apology.
     The topic of Val Plumwood's book is also extremely complex, and for this reason I think my post was not only offensive, but likely confusing. Plumwood is a philosopher, and I think anyone who is not a philosopher would agree that philosophical texts tend to be extremely challenging, no matter how much one cares about the topic discussed. While what I have read of this particular text seems quite straightforward, it addresses an astounding breadth of issues and information in a mere 50-60 pages. For me to attempt a concise discussion and reaction to such an excerpt is nearly as silly as the tone that I allowed to seep through my commentary.
     I hoped that what I was saying was coming from a "good" place, and I meant for it to. However, I would hazard to guess that anyone who read it and had no idea who wrote it would see clearly its lack of openness. Please know that, while the majority of what I said is truly how I feel, this was not at all my intention. In future posts that discuss any such issues, I will do my best to better reread and edit for tone and objectivity.

Section II: Baby's moving!

     I am 19 weeks along today and baby is due on October 18th. With exams done, I am finally starting to allow myself to think about all the things a first-time mom thinks about during pregnancy. Yesterday, I spent most of the day working on registries -- not an easy task prior to knowing whether we're expecting a boy or a girl (we'll know soon). While overwhelming, it is an important task as I anticipate the 3-4 baby showers that will take place over the next four and a half months. Michael and I are constantly looking at each other and talking about how lucky we are to be surrounded by such a host of family and friends who have already given us so much for Baby B.
     It was fitting that the first time we felt the baby move was this weekend. I have had pretty bad discomfort all around the mid-section (not surprising, but the intensity has jumped significantly in just a few days), but thanks to realizing that my stomach is no longer where it used to be, I was able to distinguish a baby-limb poke from indigestion late last night and this morning. It is just the strangest thing. Frankly, much of the changes and feelings and realizations of being pregnant have grossed me out. I know many women are just enamored with this experience, and I in no way am resentful of the changes or wishing that they weren't happening. However, the intense stress I've experienced throughout this quarter has elevated each change to a bizarre place, and one that has been hard to process when I have rarely felt like there are enough hours in the day to simply get through when I need to! Having said this, the movement has, not surprisingly, made much of this change to feel more positive than angsty.

Section III: PhD exams, another obstacle passed

     On May 1st, I began three weeks of intense writing and study that ended just about a week ago on the 18th. This period followed about two months of equally intense reading and preparing, all while maintaining a 5 day/week 5am wake-up in order to arrive to campus to teach at 8:30am. It has been, looking back, one of the hardest seasons of my academic life. This is a super obvious statement but one that I needed to make, since it is very nearly over! My oral exam will take place this upcoming Friday from 12-2pm. After all of the hard work and fatigue that I've gone through in such a short time, I am surprisingly calm about what is, in some universities, a full-on interrogation about what you just put your mental blood, sweat and tears into. I can say with quite a bit of confidence that I anticipate neither an interrogation nor being put on the spot in an uncomfortable manner. If you can't answer a question, you either didn't really do your work or it's something that you can gracefully displace to dissertation research in a response.
     I often found myself reflecting on a similarly-intense period during my Master's in Chicago as I read, wrote and rewrote. In many ways, I often felt like I had an easier time pushing myself during that period, as I was living alone. However, having to balance a pregnancy, interpersonal communication with Michael, care of three crazy felines and a much earlier schedule deepened the experience and often sharpened my periods of reading and thinking. I can honestly say that I learned many lessons over the past several months, and that they weren't all related to 19th century literature or Animal Studies. Through it all, I have felt or been reminded of the Lord's provision of the strength and concentration that one needs in such times when we are very aware of the fact we are traversing an obstacle or a time of trial.

Section IV: Celebrating 6 years and finally starting to understand "wedded bliss"

     Six years and one day ago, Michael and I were married on a gorgeous, 75-degree sunny day in front of family and friends. I must admit that, being quite sick the day of, I remember little of that day that I can't find in the many photographs that we have. This has often embittered my feelings about it, since so many anniversary posts of friends, family, and acquaintance on things like Facebook are effusively reflecting on the intense joy and emotion felt on that "best day of their lives". Quite honestly, I have not been able to say that and mean it, which has always made me feel like perhaps I'm secretly a horrible person. However, the past year, I have slowly but surely felt that May 23rd, 2009 might just have been the best day of my life.
     I'm sure that, even if one only read my sporadic blog posts and never interacted in person or via email with Michael or myself, it would be clear that we have undergone intense struggles in our marriage these first six years. If you are married, this is perhaps a ridiculous-sounding statement, since all marriages, no matter how happily they begin, are bound for rocky seas at one point or another. Michael and I just happen to be particularly skilled at setting ourselves up for some of the most challenging circumstances to even give "wedded bliss" a chance! The first two years lived apart, three moves in a year and a half (one cross-country), major job transitions (including getting out of the Army after 7 years), and finally having to navigate the dynamics of nearby in-laws for both of us are just the visible transitions we've stumbled through. (Let me be clear that this last "struggle" is one that came/comes not out of dislike for either set of in-laws, but rather from a pronounced difference in upbringing that is only ever made evident after two people begin living together and interacting frequently with the other's family!)
     While I personally think the term "wedded bliss" is a bit of a fabrication, I don't think marriage was made by God with the intention of feeling like purgatory. The oft-circulated sayings about how married life is meant to be miserable feel equally superficial to me. Our culture seems to only be able to comprehend and accept intense happiness and extreme misery, and thus more often than not actively rejects and ridicules anything in-between. It's wonderful to celebrate happiness and to bemoan the dark moments of life and love. However, I think the intense hesitation to see and expose the messy in-between, the workings-out, the sharpening of our souls on one another through our relationships, is ultimately detrimental to them. If we can only show to others (or our spouse) the fabulous or the horrible (i.e. "wedded bliss" or divorce), we eliminate the richness of truly living and experiencing these true struggles of becoming. A wedding day is by all means a very sacred time for a couple -- you pledge in front of God, family and friends your commitment to each other and to becoming one. However, this oneness by no means happens by some magical and perfect kiss on the lips witnessed by those in attendance. A dear friend of mine has consistently explained to me how in her marriage, after 15+ years, she is just now beginning to feel like she is beginning to be one with her husband. It is work, not magic. God is 100% capable of miracles, but he will not allow us to bypass the grittiness of relationship to jump to some kind of perfect state of being with one another. This is also true, in a slightly different sense, in friendship. The idea that fighting with one's spouse or a dear friend is the end of that relationship and should be avoided at all costs is sadly mistaken. ("Fighting" is taken as too strong a term by some that I've spoken with -- "significant differences of opinion" or "disagreement", etc. are also good terms. I by no means mean a fight in a boxing ring or one that becomes verbally abusive.) Such a moment is an opportunity! Yes, an uncomfortable, awkward and hard-to-navigate opportunity that does not always feel fruitful at the time. But an opportunity indeed! When a couple is in a period of perfect harmony, it is certainly wonderful, but conflict expands the potential for us to understand one another better, and to continue to "learn each other". The same friend I mentioned a few lines ago also describes the clearest movements towards feeling more like one as the times when she or her husband are purposefully attempting to be students of the other. Let us be students, not critics.
     I am happier than I have been in a very long time, perhaps ever. Michael will tell you that I "only get excited about three things: new episodes of the TV show Bones, ice-hockey, and France". It's true that I am not a very outwardly bouncy person, though I don't think I'm outwardly an Eeyore, either. Whatever I am, he has helped me understand that we should try to show our small moments of joy and happiness to those around us, whether it comes naturally or not. Despite his knowing that I'm not naturally this way, Michael is the kind of person who looks for visible signs that I am happy or satisfied with something instead of just taking it for granted. I have had to hear this over and over from him for me to finally start to realize that it is totally in my "power" -- or God's, though prayer and requesting more of this impulse -- to improve this aspect of our marriage. "Fake it 'til you make it" will always sound cliché, but I would propose that it's usually true, though the reasons why are different in each context of application.
     The trials of the past six years have made me more grateful than ever for what I have. Sometimes, marriage and life feels a bit like listening to Revolution #9 on a good sound system (it's playing as I type this sentence): a bit confounding, very bizarre, disorienting. At others, you notice the moments of beauty in the "song": the baby laughing, the now passed-on John Lennon speaking and making weird noises, the everyday sounds of the city. But if we can listen to the messiness of the middle, and let it wash over us and just settle in to it, it's easier to let go of the angst of that struggle and to "enjoy" the growth that can happen and the crescendo towards the resolution of that struggle -- however "blissful" by society's standards.
   

The ironies of reason and rationality

In preparing for my Phd General exams next month, I have just come across a text that perhaps I should have read months ago. It's somewhat irrelevant for what I want to say here which text it is, since it has only confirmed things that I have been reflecting upon and reading about since first embarking into Animal Studies and all topics connected to it just about a year ago.

The unfortunate thing is, I'm sure most of you who just read that last sentence have now had some form of the thought, "Oh, so she works with animals, or on animal ethics." Yes, but no. The thing is, and what this text I'm in the middle of is making glaringly obvious, is that we don't get to choose between animals or humans. We need them and their environment (which just so happens to be our own, too) and yet they are completely disregarded by us in the ways that the Western world deals with them and with their bodies. We are trashing the earth (whether we see it or not) and as soon as they are gone, we will be soon to follow. "What of science?" you ask. Well, the thing this text is reminding me is that we haven't actually adapted to our changing environment. We still eat the most meat in the world in the US (by a LANDSLIDE.) and are so used to being able to buy strawberries whether it's Christmas or summer that we don't contemplate what it means to produce or import them from the places that can grow these things off-season. If we expected to outlive animals (which we clearly do, given the amount of information out there that tens if not hundreds of species will go extinct in less than 50 years, but we continue to live life as usual) then we should probably consider adapting. Science and knowledge won't help us if we refuse alternative types of nutrition. This is a complex issue, but it's pivotal to the existence of animals and its impact on the existence of humans.

To "love animals" is, in our culture, often connected to emotions, and not in a good way. Consider the tone people take when they say things like, "Oh, she's just being a woman." or "Stop being a girl about it!" Read="She's being emotional, and thus she must be acting "like a woman"...because men have never experienced a freaking emotion in their life! Or, "Stop being weak already!" I'm sorry, but I think one of the biggest reasons our society has so much trouble with the LGBT community and issues related to this, as well as women and animals, is that the "rationalism" that infuses every inch of our capitalist culture is only allowed to come from the hetero, white, Western man. Why are men considered to be less emotional or connected to their bodies, when it seems that they are so much less in control of their physicality, sexuality, etc. than women? Women can go weeks without sex, thank you very much, but a man? Oh, no. Because this is, after all, what has always been meant when people say men are "more rational". They can control themselves better. Then what do we make of Caesar's murder, or Jesus' death on the cross (whether you believe he was resurrected or not), or perhaps cops killing non-cops? I just don't see the line of reasoning. The problem is, what is "rational" doesn't actually employ reason. It is working out of a broken system that idolizes physical, financial, and social power - a power, let's be clear, that is only attainable by a small percentage of huge populations.

These thoughts are coming out quicker than I can edit them properly, but I am so worked up about it that I need them to be read. So me, it's obvious that things need to give in our attitude towards how we use nature and non-human beings. I would also put forth that it's about time we start respecting all the other human beings around us, but this issue is one that I must leave in the previous paragraph. The ecological crisis was likened in the text I'm reading to the Titanic. I will close with this quote, for fear of becoming so convoluted in my thoughts that it becomes completely unintelligible.

"...we have received the iceberg warning, and have made the remarkable decision to double the engine speed to Full Speed Ahead and go below to get a good night's rest. A change of course might be bad for business, we might have to slow down, lose time. Nothing, not even the ultimate risk of the death of nature, can be allowed to hold back the triumphant progress of the ship of rational fools."       (Emphasis mine.)

-Val Plumwood, Environmental Culture: The ecological crisis of reason

Things I need to get off my chest...

The season of Lent began last Wednesday, and I had no idea what to give up. I've decided to attempt being more positive. My schedule has been a total thrash the past few months, and it's made me too quick to take the low, bad-attitude road.

Now that I've said that, a few not-so-positive thoughts have been swimming in my head lately, and I really just need to get them out.

1. The Oscars are not necessarily the place to raise awareness, but sometimes it happens to happen there. Just because the thing you wanted awareness raised for didn't get "recognized" (though it's already pretty damn amazing to even be nominated...but you're right, winning is the only answer) doesn't mean it isn't something that was not worthy of it, or that something else wasn't also worthy of getting recognized. Try putting yourself in the shoes of the people who were recognized, and just have some empathetic happiness for them.

I would also guess that many of the people who are making the comments I'm referencing likely have only seen the movie they wanted to win. While this certainly isn't an isolated case, I just feel like we shouldn't really criticize until we know what it is we're criticizing (and not just something that isn't what we saw and liked already). It would also be helpful to understand the historical and cultural contexts (when they apply, and Lord knows they did for most of the nominations this year) that these films are coming from. Again, they all were deserving of recognition, and I believe that by being nominated they did get at least a portion of that.

(One optimistic Oscar comment: I sure hope that more young people are aware of the Sound of Music is! Loved that tribute, loved Lady Gaga's performance, loved Julie Andrews' reaction. And of course, love that classic musical.)

2. People driving 10+ miles over the speed limit who do things like passing in the merging lane just drive me crazy. I don't understand how their life and the lives of the people in the other cars don't mean enough to them to just have some patience. Again, if we could imagine what we would feel like if someone did whatever we're thinking about doing back to us, it might make us think twice about it.

That is all for my rant. I have already noticed a huge boost in energy and attitude from just trying to be more positive, but these things have been weighing on me as I've driven to and from Park & Rides and watched peoples' reactions on Facebook to the Oscars. Let's try to empathize and think twice.

Taking time to come to His shelter

Despite the fact that I have little time to spare in this last (!!! YES!!!) week of Fall Quarter, I am feeling that it is important that I take a few moments to reflect upon the past few months. It has been a whirlwind: buying a house, starting my 2nd year towards a PhD, having bought a house, dealing with a new commute, dealing with having bought a house...basically the house has crammed my ever-busy-bein' mind to the gills. And often, that has not been a happy place for me to be. Today, however, after months of others being so happy and excited for this new step in our lives (and now that most of the place is looking lived-in!), I really am thankful for this home. It has taught me some surprising things:

1. It is important to go with the flow. Even if this means literally, going with the flow of rain that lets you know of the tiny holes in your roof and the water coming out of your dishwasher. Because, in my charmed life, I am married to and the daughter-in-law of two Handymen who will not only fix the roof in an afternoon, but find a gently-used, good-lookin' dishwasher to replace the old one just by remodeling a kitchen. Actually, we were on the receiving end of three such appliances from the same job! So going with the flow, while challenging mentally, can pay off. And if it doesn't literally pay off, your patience (for yourself, another person or a certain type of situation or disaster) will grow.

2. Sweeping twice a day, everyday really isn't all that bad. Our little house is all hard-floored. This is great on the one hand, since you can't sweep carpet and with two cats, fur accumulates way too fast. However, since we have outside-entrances on either side of the house (and the most-often used is on the kitchen-side), dirt accumulates quickly. However, because our home is quite small, it takes me all of about 15 minutes to sweep and clean the cat box (another one of my favorite daily chores). So, really, I can't complain or make many logical excuses to not just pick up the goshdurned broom and sing a little Mary Poppins tune while I sweep (though luckily, not the chimney!).

3. A woodstove isn't magic, and requires a LOT of poking and prodding...but I CAN make a fire! Our house is only heated by our trusty woodstove, since two of three wallheaters are kaputt and we don't really care to spend money to repair an inefficient source of energy. As a result, these cold snaps Seattle has been experiencing have provided some lessons in patience. Initially, the dry wood that we had abounded and we still had lots of newspaper. Now, however, we still have lots of wood but much of it hasn't had the time it would like to dry properly, making it difficult to really get a fire going, and definitely to keep it going. However, I do know how to make and maintain a fire, now!

4. New space, new pace -- and lots of grace! With a new commute that requires me to be away by 6:15am five days per week, I am usually hitting a pretty big energy wall by around 2pm. I also have what feels like five more excuses to lounge around doing nothing all evening every evening. However, the quarter system scoffs at such behavior no matter what time you get up, and so Michael and I are finally getting adjusted to these types of changes in our life. He has been trying to get up earlier so that he comes home earlier, too, making it more doable to eat dinner together and both get to sleep at a decent hour. These are hard habits to create, though, so we are trying to give ourselves and each other grace in the process. We have been working to notice the lessons it's teaching us and to talk about it all to avoid bottling up every little annoyance, and that seems to be working quite well.

All in all, I am reflecting today on the things I am grateful for, though I too often choose to think about the things that I wish were more balanced or more easily taken care of. We both have jobs and incomes, families that are nearby, and a home that we know will be quite nearly perfect for us quite soon. God always seems to want to teach you one more lesson than you think you are capable of learning, but we aim to learn despite ourselves. Today, may we all come into the Lord's shelter -- whatever that may mean for you at this moment. Some of us literally need physical shelter today, but others might need shelter from hunger, anxiety, prejudice...really anything can bring us to our knees and needing help. Seek His arms, for He longs to shelter you.