A momentary reflection

There are about 1,000 things that I should be doing at this moment. I should be editing my prospectus, reading for the course I'm TAing for next quarter, prepping dinner, making my Christmas card list, pumping breastmilk...really any number of areas of my life need attention. But the fact of the matter is, my time is mostly taken up by this amazing, perfect little human being that entered my life 7 weeks ago, so the things that I should be doing in a normal life often get pushed aside for a diaper change, nursing, or, more and more often, playtime and facetime. So in this moment, I am staring at my son napping, a beautiful little Christmas tree all lit up (our first ever), and a candle flame is waving back at me. I am so filled with gratitude for so many things right now: our families - our mothers in particular, who have been by my side almost daily since Jonathan's birth, our home, our jobs, and our healthy baby boy. Anyone who knows me well would probably not peg me for the peaceful type, and I tend to overstress and worry about way more than I need to. But, in this moment, I am trying to focus on gratitude and the amazing things God has blessed me with.

Many people call this their favorite time of the year. I must admit that it certainly warms my heart, the idea of this Christmas season. However, I feel that so much of the true sentiment of it has been lost and scattered as our culture has begun to hold tighter to things than to experiences, people, and all the wonderful moments that come with just living. For many, this time of year brings back pain as it reminds them of those who have passed on, or relationships that have been broken. In the movies, these broken relationships are mended in perfectly-timed, heartfelt meetings and unanticipated moments of forgiveness and grace. But all too often, in real life, we remain as hardhearted towards one another as Scrooge is at the beginning of that Christmas tale we have all heard, and those relationships remain broken. I hope that we can let go of some of our things and grab on to some of the love that gets lost in all the plastic, electric, lit-upness of those things. May we strive and aspire to those Hollywood moments, even as they are rarely as simple or easy as they are portrayed on the silver screen. Let us seek to love one another and remember that this time began as a celebration of the life of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who dared enter this earthly world a helpless, innocent baby in order to save the souls of all those who loved and hated him. Hallelujah, Christ is born!

A eulogy for Larry (part-cat, part-dog, part-bird)

Remembering Larry

Most of you will already know that Michael and I had to put Larry, our third cat, down on Monday evening. He had been hit by a car and it broke his pelvis and spine, disabling his two back legs. We are so fortunate and thankful for several things, though we are utterly saddened by this loss. First, we are glad to have both been home when he went into distress (he'd been hit a short time before we realized it, and just lounging outside while Michael worked, since we assume he wasn't really in pain and just couldn't feel his legs). All I had to do when Michael brought him in and we saw the blood on the floor and heard his confused yowling as he tried to get onto his legs was turn the oven off before we were able to get out the door. Secondly, we are just about 5 minutes away from a 24-hour emergency vet hospital, and since it was 7:30pm on a Monday, the place was nearly deserted and we didn't have to wait at all for them to see him. The staff were extremely gracious and forthcoming about the financial side of things as well as their guess as to what was wrong with him, giving us only clear and understandable information and being patient with our questions. Finally, we were relieved that the vet who examined Larry was able to tell with her preliminary exam the extent of the damage. It allowed us to know what the right decision was. Had we chosen to try to have his fractured back end surgically repaired, he would have had a long and painful road to recovery ahead (at least 6-8 weeks) and even then no guarantee of being back to 100%. Even had he been back to 100% after that, there's no telling that he wouldn't have gone out on his first day back outside and had another driver hit him. During recovery, he would have hated having to stay inside, and with the baby being around along with the other two cats, it would have been extra-challenging for everyone. 

The vet has special rooms where the lighting isn't as bright and where families can be more comfortable for situations where an animal is being put down. We were able to spend a few minutes with Larry before she came in to administer the euthanasia, and he was not in any pain as they had given him a catheter and some pain medicine. He was himself until the very end, though we could tell he was very confused as to why his legs were no longer carrying him. As those of you who have had to put down pets yourselves know, the end was quick and painless. Both the cats that I grew up with were put down while I was away at college, so I had never experienced this before and it was almost unbearable, though of course I wouldn't have chosen to not be there with Larry. 

We buried Larry underneath the spot next to our front hedge where he began napping for large parts of the day a few months ago. The huge amount of rocks that Michael had to pull out and dig through to get the hole deep enough for him now provide him shelter from the wind and rain that he so disliked, despite his love of being outdoors. We hope to find a perennial to plant inside of the rock "wall" to further commemorate this amazing animal.

Larry came into our lives only days after we found out that we were expecting a baby. He wandered up to Michael while he was working at his parents' house in North Lynnwood, and never stopped following him around. He followed him right inside, back out and into my father-in-law's van where Michael was organizing. When Michael texted me that day to ask if I wanted another cat, my answer was, of course, a pretty resilient NO. He brought him home anyway, and quickly and efficiently charmed his way into my heart. While his arrival was quite the shock for our other two cats, at least Mater warmed enough to him over time that, since late spring, the two of them had a tenuously functional relationship closely resembling that of a middle school romance. They would play, though both were very stand-offish; Larry because Mater was several pounds heavier than him and Mater because she never really wanted to admit she didn't hate him, I assume. Taffy, on the other hand, never warmed and was stressed constantly while Larry was around. Once he knew he could get a rise out of her (and that she wasn't going to fight back if he harassed her), of course he did so as often as he could. So, all of this to say that the chaos that entered our lives with Larry gave us, for about 9 months, a bizarre introduction to that of a child. While we are very aware that three cats and the crazy dynamics that brings is nothing at all like bringing home an infant for the first time, Larry forced us to solve many problems we never would have had to otherwise, and to navigate some strange new dynamics and situations with the other two felines that have shared our home for the past four years. 

Michael and I strongly believe that God's hand was heavy in this event, and that Larry was meant to be with us throughout this pregnancy, but no further. His arrival at the time we found out I was pregnant and his departure (or return home to God) the day before any real contractions began for me bring us peace in this. As I said, we are simply beside ourselves after the loss of this little prince, and in many ways find ourselves wondering how we will go on. The tears have been abundant, as memories of him are all around and we both keep expecting him to come prancing in the door when we open it. But we know that anytime now, a new little prince will be entering our lives and that the Lord knew that, for whatever reason, Larry didn't quite fit into that equation. Michael and I continue to trust in His provision and are grateful to have had such a rich 9 months with the strangest, most delightful animal that either of us have ever met (and likely ever will meet). The animal that we always called "part-cat, part-dog" and that my dad recently dubbed "a bird in a cat-suit" is simply irreplaceable, and the hole he has left in our hearts and our home is huge. 

Larry, we love you and words cannot express how much you are already missed. You were a companion unmatched for Michael during his projects and time in the yard and garage, and brought me much joy and laughter as you played and lived life at such a high speed. We can't believe that we were lucky enough to love you, but are so grateful that we did. May you rest in peace as you have come home to a place where you can run outdoors for eternity without ever getting hurt.

Some photos of Larry:

This photo was taken either the first or second day that Larry was part of our household. I was still skeptical of having a third cat, but that face was indeed hard to resist. Like Mater and Taffy, Larry loved looking out the window from this vantage point on top of my desk, but if it was dark, he'd settle for a stare-down with me, too.

Larry loved messing about in our bathtub. Here he is actually bathing himself while in the tub, but his favorite thing to do was to sit on the side while I was having a bubble bath. He would dip his paw in the water and pull out some bubbles (the lavender flavor didn't seem to bother him) before cleaning it meticulously. Ironically, he hated getting bathed and the rain...

Anytime anyone was outside, Larry loved to be with them, if only for a few minutes at a time. Him & Michael spent hours together in the yard and garage, but here I was the lucky benefactor of his curiosity on a rare day I read outside in the sun last spring.

Rarely did Larry stop moving when he was inside the house, let alone to cuddle like this. (He did cuddle a lot with Michael in the garage, but was so easily wound up in the house by the two other cats being around that he never seemed to calm down in here!) I think he only sat with me for about 5 minutes here, but he was digging it while he did. I find it slightly ironic that I was reading "Black Skin, White Masks" here...

No caption needed here...Larry didn't beg too often, since he was often running about or in his kitty tower during mealtime, but he was just as much of an opportunist as the next cat! Here, the guitar case gave him an extra-special vantage point.

He was not a happy camper when we took this photo, but Larry did enjoy watching tv (sports or otherwise) with us. The look on Michael's face only shows about half of the amount of love he had for this cat; I loved Larry, too, but those two were the best of friends. May that little bundle of energy rest in peace where he lies in our front drive and frolic to his heart's content in Heaven. Our home will never be the same without him!

Almost time for baby!

My due date is only 8 days away, and I wanted to take some time to reflect on a few things that have been on my mind lately. I am grateful for a roof over my head and food in the frig on this rainy, windy day and also for the fact that, no matter when the little guy decides to come, we are ready "enough". It's hard to believe that a year ago, we were at Oktoberfest in Leavenworth and a baby really wasn't even on our radar, and that just a few months later we decided that maybe we were ready to attempt this next shaky step in our lives together. I am thankful that God was clearly the one who planted those seeds of thought and hope, since just weeks later, we were pregnant. For me, this was one of the "best" times to get pregnant and to take an academic leave, as I am at a sort of halfway point between coursework & exams and the beginning of my dissertation. I plan to submit my prospectus in the next several days in order to be able to be as focused on the baby as I can until heading back into research and school in the new year. Our families have already given much time, love and energy to the preparation for this little guy, and I am lucky to have my mom around much more often, thanks to her retirement a few weeks ago. 

One thing that I have thought often about the past couple of weeks especially is how hard Michael has worked to prepare for our baby. While it may seem to him like I still find many things to nag about, the fact is that he has not shied away from any of the little things that we needed to work out to make our home ready for this new little human about to make his entrance. His creative mind and able skill-set when it comes to all things fixing, altering and building have been amazing to watch in action, perhaps more than I've ever gotten to see, these past months. Sometimes it's hard to see past the time things take, since he already works a physical job during the day and doesn't always have the energy to keep going into the evening. However, I am incredibly grateful to have him by my side, and so impressed with everything that he's done for us. In addition to the physical labor he has put in around our home, he has also been a strong advocate for my mental and physical health these past 9 and a half months. While I do wish that I had maintained a more rigorous and regular exercise regimen throughout my pregnancy, he has helped me to focus on the task at hand, which at many points was an extremely demanding academic one. Preparing for my PhD exams asked much of me, but also of him, as I was often exhausted and impatient while at home (and at school, I suppose - but he was spared that, luckily!) in what little time remained after finishing reading and preparation each day. I have found that it just doesn't come naturally to me to maintain any kind of regular exercise schedule during such intense academic work periods, and he helped me focus on what was essential during this most recent of those periods. Since I have finished teaching and passed my exams, and thus been home more often, he has encouraged me in whatever I felt able to do physically and also pushed for me to rest - not easy for me, if you've spent any time around me longer than a day or two! I just do not feel free to stop, and the times that I do find myself getting up off the couch after hours of watching Grey's Anatomy, Bones or whatever other show's latest season as finally come to Netflix, I have a hard time not feeling deeply guilty. While I in no way aspire to becoming a professional and proud couch potato, I do appreciate why he so often says to me, "Relax!" and pulls me away from whatever house chore I am working on. The fact is, they aren't usually a life or death matter, and in a week or whenever baby arrives, everyone tells me that I won't be doing any of them, anyway. Hard to imagine, but I am trying to find a reasonable balance for trying to micromanage anything at all in order to avoid total mental chaos at that all-too-inevitable time! Michael also tirelessly attended birth class with me, and, it turns out, was our teacher's "go-to" student for feedback! Ildi has become our doula also, and when she was at our house earlier this week said that she knew she could always count on Michael to give his opinion or answer the questions. He somehow didn't ever let on just how much he was dreading the class when we signed up, but always said how glad he was to have gone each week. We learned a lot and it was a great group of couples that we were able to share the learning process with!

So, thank you, Michael, for being you and for loving me. I can't wait for us to meet this little boy and to watch you grow and mature into what I know will be an amazing father. I hope that, as the years press on, I will learn to love you better with each day despite myself and that God will help us learn from Him and from one another as we deal with our individual isms and particularities. After 6 and a half years, I really mean it when I say that I love you more now than I ever have!

I wish I could write these in the baby journal that I have relatively faithfully filled in at various points throughout the pregnancy, but my most uncomfortable symptom has emerged these past several weeks - numb fingers! It has not been fun at all, but I am so grateful to have been really quite fortunate in the discomforts I experienced (and didn't!). Since I can't write by hand, I want to capture some thoughts about the pregnancy and impending delivery.

Things I will miss about being pregnant:

• Feeling the baby move. While often a bit uncomfortable, I must admit that this has been one of my most treasured things about pregnancy. How he responds to me reading to him or to a voice is just an amazing experience, and I will miss it.
• People being [generally] nicer and more courteous. Let's face it: once you start showing a bump (that is clearly a bump), most people will at least try to avoid scowling at you, if not offer you their seat at the bus stop. Some of them remain as glued to their mobile devices as ever and I did give a glare a time or two, but the fact of the matter is, it's just nice when someone notices that maybe that round piece on your front weighs a bit awkwardly, and offers to open the door, give you their seat, or just smiles at you and attempts a conversation. It was tempting, the few times when people asked me questions openly about the pregnancy, to say, "I'm not pregnant!", but I know that, even those who make that mistake with someone who is not with child always mean well. 
• Minimized guilt about what I ate (though not completely!). It's hard not to let oneself lose all control when it comes to eating sweets and carbs during pregnancy, and it's true that those extra 200-500 calories needed really don't justify a daily banana split with all the toppings. Having said that, I don't regret one bit that I did end up eating ice cream most days! I'm glad that I already had a healthy eating routine before pregnancy, and that that did allow me to feel a bit freer when it came to indulging a bit more often. 

Things I will NOT miss:

• Carrying around that extra weight. Everybody and every body is different when it comes to how us women put on the pregnancy pounds, and we should all try to be mentally prepared for gaining more weight than we'd like during this time of growing a human. Having said that, I'm pretty sure it's easier said than done for most of us! As I mentioned above, I didn't maintain the consistent exercise regimen that I would have liked to throughout my pregnancy, and that may or may not have had a significant impact on the weight that I put on. Either way, most of the weight I have gained IS in the bump, so it will be nice to at least have some of that gone after delivery (though I know that it is in no way a magical return to pre-baby weight a week after baby). 
• Feeling like my sole purpose is to grow and carry this baby. I understand why people seem to only talk about the pregnancy and the baby once it is open information. However, at a certain point, I was ready to stop talking about the human that was sucking all of my energy and start talking more about ME. It could even feel a little demeaning in certain instances, being thanked for "doing this". However, babies make people lose certain filters and I understand that, so I'm just looking forward to having my own self and body back...mostly!
• The gas. There, I said it. If you've spent time with me recently and I know you well enough, then I've apologized openly for my bodily air escapades. If I don't know you well enough, I'm apologizing now. For someone who had periods of not-so-rosy-smelling gassiness BEFORE being pregnant, the past few months have been especially pungent, and I so hope that that will mostly resolve itself after delivery!

I'd like to close this post by saying a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have so generously given Michael and I gifts and giftcards at my many showers over the summer. I apologize if you have yet to receive an actual thank you note - I had four showers and the last two were huge groups of people, so my goal has been boiled down to just getting them out before the baby! Unfortunately, even that may not happen... Anyway, we have been so incredibly blessed by all of you and are truly grateful. Having said this, we will likely need lots of help and support over the next several months that I am on leave, which also happen to be the holidays. If you are able to make a meal or buy us a few grocery items, please let us know. In addition, our Amazon.com and Babies'R'Us registries should remain accessible through the new year, if I understand the fine print correctly, and I have now updated them to what I anticipate will be our most immediate needs over the next several months. And if what you can offer is time more than anything, please let me know so that we can work out a time for you to come over - let me know if you just want to give us a spell and time to either take a nap or run errands, or if you prefer to be set to a cleaning task or errand yourself!

A little overwhelmed in a lot of areas

     I have long put off updating my blog, but today am needing to take some serious time to try to process many different things. As I write, it is still swelteringly warm here in the Seattle area, though we did get some much-needed rain last week. I certainly didn't anticipate this being the situation here when I was thinking about being pregnant at the end of the summer; normally 80's are pretty exceptional! It would be the summer where we broke record after heat record that my firstborn would be cooking...pun intended, though somewhat in bad taste. Needless to say, it has been the most challenging part of my pregnancy. I was so fortunate to have little to no nausea and few aversions early on, as several of my friends have recently had particularly trying pregnancies. I suppose it is some comfort that most of those around me feel the same way about the heat, but the past few days I have really struggled to keep any good attitude going, though I know I have little to complain about in the big scheme of things!
     The heat is certainly overwhelming, but lately there have been many other things that have been getting under my skin, often in a sort of exponential way. While our house feels more and more like home each day, the street corner we live on seems to see people driving less and less cautiously by the hour, and I find myself physically stressed by it. It's really a general feeling as I go from place to place in the Seattle area. I just don't understand when getting somewhere ASAP became more important than one's own safety and the safety of others. It physically irritates me, much of the time. Having said this, we chose this house and knew it was a busy corner! So I am just trying to name the things that are currently stress factors in my daily life in order to work towards letting them go, at least a little bit. Of course, we didn't know we would have two cats spending their days outdoors when we bought this place, which is largely why I get so stressed as I hear the drivers hardly slow down as they turn, few of whom seem to think looking before you cross traffic/into a different street are necessary anymore (It's all about "me", right? OTHERS are supposed to look out for "me"!). However, this, too, is a choice Michael and I have made.
     The other two things that have been a bit stifling at times are pretty broad, so I've decided to separate them using headers to make the formatting easier to read.

Being round, growing a human
     While we planned this pregnancy and it happened at basically the perfect time given my degree trajectory in the PhD program, I really haven't had much time to really process it until quite recently. Of course, this has also been the time I'm really showing and dealing with all of the changes a woman's body undergoes whilst growing a whole other person in what wasn't a very large space to begin with. Due to the fact that I had lots of reading prep to do before my exams, and then my exams, and then summer teaching, I had to kind of "put off" getting too into the processing side that I think many women need to go through before babies arrive. Now, it feels like it might be too little too late, and I'm feeling super protective of myself and Michael. I've been fortunate to have few awkward moments (i.e. strangers touching the bump, etc.), but even family doing so feels very strange and not great. However, I know that a baby should be shared and enjoyed by all those who will surround him for a long time, and that this should start during pregnancy. Not that I think I should auction off conversation time with my bump, but I feel a bit guilty of how I sometimes react in some of these moments.
     Along with the physical side of the deal, the idea (pressure?) of getting a place ready for baby is extremely overwhelming if one lets it be what much of Western society has made it out to be. While we had originally planned to reinsulate and paint the room that will be the baby's (while remaining my office), Michael and I are now back to square one, which really entails little to no change to the room itself. Unfortunately, new humans do require at least a piece or two of furniture, though it isn't hard to get creative and avoid going overboard. The puzzle that is the relatively small space we have has become something that I daily reflect upon, and usually with at least a small amount of angst. Having said this, I must also point out how incredibly blessed we have already been by so many friends and family, as we have nearly every piece of furniture that we need, along with much clothing and accessories. So this should really be a "good problem"! Ironically, the small felines and their litter boxes are the biggest issue in there, so we are in the process of planning a different spot for those to minimize stink and mess!
     Coming back to my initial point about not starting to process being pregnant much until now, the whole idea of how much our life is about to change is constantly in the back of my mind. In January, I will go back to work and will [hopefully] start working on my dissertation. It's hard to keep in my mind that from October on, there will be another person depending on me nearly 24/7, and that establishing new routines might not even be in my control anymore. However, I know that God has brought this all about in His time, and that He is preparing Michael and I to deal with those transitions to the best of our humble abilities. It's the trusting that and not forgetting it that's the challenge!

10 pages away from starting a dissertation
     The other major thing that has been overwhelming me significantly the past couple of weeks, and days in particular, is a relatively short document that separates me from the beginning of my dissertation -- the prospectus. I keep telling people, "Yeah, it's for late September, early October, so not problem. And it's only 10 pages!" Yes, in theory, it is FAR from an impossible task, especially given that, in my opinion, the hardest work to prepare for this next step was done in May as I wrote my three exams and then discussed them with my committee. Frankly, it isn't the length or the subject matter that I'm having a hard time getting over (as in getting over a hill or mountain...take your pick). It's just STARTING the dang thing. I know that all I need to focus on is just getting some things down on the computer-screen-page (or the real page, depending on how it shakes out). Trying to craft a perfect first sentence on the first day of working on something like this is, in my opinion, just asking for a fight you don't need. Introductions that are written first will always need adjustments, so why would a first sentence be any different??
     I guess in those last couple statements, it seems like I've figured out just how I need to start this thing. But that's just it; it's never that easy and you all know it.
     After the month of May, which was an intense time of immersing myself more than ever in the literature, theory and ideas of the three major fields I will attempt to integrate for my dissertation project, I just didn't have it in me to keep going right away. The committee urged me to take some time off during the oral exam -- as I'm sure they do every candidate they move forward. However, a "couple of weeks" has now morphed into a couple of months, and I'm really on the edge of what is reasonable, if you ask me. So, naturally, it's not just that FIRST sentence that's haunting me, but ALL of them. Returning to a project that will require me to look quite deeply into some of the biggest issues with the modern world as well as within myself, and that I know full well is going to bring me often to my knees with the tragedy of many of the realities of our world...for some reason, this just isn't something that sounds good to me right now! I just want to sit around and feel round and wishing I had more energy than I do and that this damn heat wave would go wave at someone else already!
     Stopping here is not an option, though. I strongly believe that it was no accident that I took the only graduate seminar in the French department last Spring, and that it happened to be on a field that I didn't even know existed. It was also no accident that this field -- Animal Studies -- was not at ALL all about cat videos and "cute animal friends", like I wondered/worried it might be. No, it was about anything but that (though of course, those of us working in this field are not immune to the cuteness that is all of those things!!!). It considered many things, but some of the ones that stuck out most to me: chickens without beaks that can hardly move in cages too small, animals fed the remains of their former fellows, a horrendous "disassembly line" that characterizes most slaughterhouses and where many animals suffer a horrible death after living a horrible life... I often wept as I read the supplemental articles and even some of the fictional novels we read, but could not NOT continue. I was urged to "censor" myself from such readings as much as I needed, but I knew that God had brought me to this subject. We do live in a world that is irreversibly broken until God returns. However, this doesn't mean we shouldn't try to help do GOOD here. I feel that more people need to understand the food/meat industries, and that we are all complicit/responsible. Having said this, God has NOT brought me here to berate or accuse as I share about these industries. So few of the population of the West is even aware of these practices and where their food comes from that it is ridiculous to treat them as if they should know every detail. While this in itself, and the fact that the package of perfectly deboned and defeathered chicken sitting in your grocery case came from a living thing, are questioned much less than they should be, it is still no excuse for some of the ways that animal rights activists choose to try to get their information across to the ignorant. As a Christian, I have come to a place where I feel that, while discussing these issues with people is paramount, often it is simply by example that we can have the biggest impact. If we do not live by our own words, how can we possibly expect others to be interested, let alone emulate, the changes we are proposing?
     So, all of THAT to say why I need to dig deep these next couple of weeks to get some first sentence, even if it isn't THE first sentence. I believe that I have a responsibility to continue to learn and question about these issues, and how my faith interacts and calls me to this study. It is a taxing one, but I believe that we have become too accustomed to not having to see the ugliness that is meant to contrast with beauty, and that is meant to CALL us to be better and to seek the good in the most unexpected places. I hope to continue down this path with as much grace and integrity as possible.
     Just 10 pages away!

An update: baby, school, anniversary, and finding one's joy

     As I write this, I am drinking a cup of coffee that reminds me of a French café allongé (an Americano, as we know it) in my old -- now closed -- favorite café in Lille and listening to the White Album. I'm not sure why this relatively bizarre collection of Beatles' songs has always held a special place in my heart, when there are so many other albums of theirs that are much less full of angst, but it must speak to the first times I listened to it as a pre-teen and life events of that time. This is therefore a particularly apt choice of music for this morning, as I have about a million near-nostalgic thoughts swimming around in my mind. Thanks to some much-needed downtime after three weeks of harried PhD exam writing, I am realizing that there is much to share and record. I apologize in advance for what I know will be a long post; in anticipation of this I am sectioning it into titled sections so that you may read in various sittings, should you wish.

Section I: An apology for insensitivity

     My last post came on a bit too strong, and I want to apologize for any offense that was taken from it as a result. I knew, in the moment I wrote it, that I was extremely wound up and emotional, and should have at least sat on it for a day or two before rereading and posting. Part of this lack of responsibility might be attributed to pregnancy hormones and the fact that things that would already upset me do so to the extreme right now. However, I find this still to be an excuse that can't stand on its own two feet, given the fact that one should always remain acutely aware of the strange permanence of posting something to the digital universe. Even short Facebook posts can deeply offend, and the oft-over-defensive retort that, "It's a free country and we have freedom of expression/to each their own" etc. etc. is frankly just a way of saying that one doesn't have the patience to reflect upon the impact that words can have -- sometimes lasting much longer than a physical injury. I completely own up to this type of attitude when it comes to my previous post, and I hope that you will accept my apology.
     The topic of Val Plumwood's book is also extremely complex, and for this reason I think my post was not only offensive, but likely confusing. Plumwood is a philosopher, and I think anyone who is not a philosopher would agree that philosophical texts tend to be extremely challenging, no matter how much one cares about the topic discussed. While what I have read of this particular text seems quite straightforward, it addresses an astounding breadth of issues and information in a mere 50-60 pages. For me to attempt a concise discussion and reaction to such an excerpt is nearly as silly as the tone that I allowed to seep through my commentary.
     I hoped that what I was saying was coming from a "good" place, and I meant for it to. However, I would hazard to guess that anyone who read it and had no idea who wrote it would see clearly its lack of openness. Please know that, while the majority of what I said is truly how I feel, this was not at all my intention. In future posts that discuss any such issues, I will do my best to better reread and edit for tone and objectivity.

Section II: Baby's moving!

     I am 19 weeks along today and baby is due on October 18th. With exams done, I am finally starting to allow myself to think about all the things a first-time mom thinks about during pregnancy. Yesterday, I spent most of the day working on registries -- not an easy task prior to knowing whether we're expecting a boy or a girl (we'll know soon). While overwhelming, it is an important task as I anticipate the 3-4 baby showers that will take place over the next four and a half months. Michael and I are constantly looking at each other and talking about how lucky we are to be surrounded by such a host of family and friends who have already given us so much for Baby B.
     It was fitting that the first time we felt the baby move was this weekend. I have had pretty bad discomfort all around the mid-section (not surprising, but the intensity has jumped significantly in just a few days), but thanks to realizing that my stomach is no longer where it used to be, I was able to distinguish a baby-limb poke from indigestion late last night and this morning. It is just the strangest thing. Frankly, much of the changes and feelings and realizations of being pregnant have grossed me out. I know many women are just enamored with this experience, and I in no way am resentful of the changes or wishing that they weren't happening. However, the intense stress I've experienced throughout this quarter has elevated each change to a bizarre place, and one that has been hard to process when I have rarely felt like there are enough hours in the day to simply get through when I need to! Having said this, the movement has, not surprisingly, made much of this change to feel more positive than angsty.

Section III: PhD exams, another obstacle passed

     On May 1st, I began three weeks of intense writing and study that ended just about a week ago on the 18th. This period followed about two months of equally intense reading and preparing, all while maintaining a 5 day/week 5am wake-up in order to arrive to campus to teach at 8:30am. It has been, looking back, one of the hardest seasons of my academic life. This is a super obvious statement but one that I needed to make, since it is very nearly over! My oral exam will take place this upcoming Friday from 12-2pm. After all of the hard work and fatigue that I've gone through in such a short time, I am surprisingly calm about what is, in some universities, a full-on interrogation about what you just put your mental blood, sweat and tears into. I can say with quite a bit of confidence that I anticipate neither an interrogation nor being put on the spot in an uncomfortable manner. If you can't answer a question, you either didn't really do your work or it's something that you can gracefully displace to dissertation research in a response.
     I often found myself reflecting on a similarly-intense period during my Master's in Chicago as I read, wrote and rewrote. In many ways, I often felt like I had an easier time pushing myself during that period, as I was living alone. However, having to balance a pregnancy, interpersonal communication with Michael, care of three crazy felines and a much earlier schedule deepened the experience and often sharpened my periods of reading and thinking. I can honestly say that I learned many lessons over the past several months, and that they weren't all related to 19th century literature or Animal Studies. Through it all, I have felt or been reminded of the Lord's provision of the strength and concentration that one needs in such times when we are very aware of the fact we are traversing an obstacle or a time of trial.

Section IV: Celebrating 6 years and finally starting to understand "wedded bliss"

     Six years and one day ago, Michael and I were married on a gorgeous, 75-degree sunny day in front of family and friends. I must admit that, being quite sick the day of, I remember little of that day that I can't find in the many photographs that we have. This has often embittered my feelings about it, since so many anniversary posts of friends, family, and acquaintance on things like Facebook are effusively reflecting on the intense joy and emotion felt on that "best day of their lives". Quite honestly, I have not been able to say that and mean it, which has always made me feel like perhaps I'm secretly a horrible person. However, the past year, I have slowly but surely felt that May 23rd, 2009 might just have been the best day of my life.
     I'm sure that, even if one only read my sporadic blog posts and never interacted in person or via email with Michael or myself, it would be clear that we have undergone intense struggles in our marriage these first six years. If you are married, this is perhaps a ridiculous-sounding statement, since all marriages, no matter how happily they begin, are bound for rocky seas at one point or another. Michael and I just happen to be particularly skilled at setting ourselves up for some of the most challenging circumstances to even give "wedded bliss" a chance! The first two years lived apart, three moves in a year and a half (one cross-country), major job transitions (including getting out of the Army after 7 years), and finally having to navigate the dynamics of nearby in-laws for both of us are just the visible transitions we've stumbled through. (Let me be clear that this last "struggle" is one that came/comes not out of dislike for either set of in-laws, but rather from a pronounced difference in upbringing that is only ever made evident after two people begin living together and interacting frequently with the other's family!)
     While I personally think the term "wedded bliss" is a bit of a fabrication, I don't think marriage was made by God with the intention of feeling like purgatory. The oft-circulated sayings about how married life is meant to be miserable feel equally superficial to me. Our culture seems to only be able to comprehend and accept intense happiness and extreme misery, and thus more often than not actively rejects and ridicules anything in-between. It's wonderful to celebrate happiness and to bemoan the dark moments of life and love. However, I think the intense hesitation to see and expose the messy in-between, the workings-out, the sharpening of our souls on one another through our relationships, is ultimately detrimental to them. If we can only show to others (or our spouse) the fabulous or the horrible (i.e. "wedded bliss" or divorce), we eliminate the richness of truly living and experiencing these true struggles of becoming. A wedding day is by all means a very sacred time for a couple -- you pledge in front of God, family and friends your commitment to each other and to becoming one. However, this oneness by no means happens by some magical and perfect kiss on the lips witnessed by those in attendance. A dear friend of mine has consistently explained to me how in her marriage, after 15+ years, she is just now beginning to feel like she is beginning to be one with her husband. It is work, not magic. God is 100% capable of miracles, but he will not allow us to bypass the grittiness of relationship to jump to some kind of perfect state of being with one another. This is also true, in a slightly different sense, in friendship. The idea that fighting with one's spouse or a dear friend is the end of that relationship and should be avoided at all costs is sadly mistaken. ("Fighting" is taken as too strong a term by some that I've spoken with -- "significant differences of opinion" or "disagreement", etc. are also good terms. I by no means mean a fight in a boxing ring or one that becomes verbally abusive.) Such a moment is an opportunity! Yes, an uncomfortable, awkward and hard-to-navigate opportunity that does not always feel fruitful at the time. But an opportunity indeed! When a couple is in a period of perfect harmony, it is certainly wonderful, but conflict expands the potential for us to understand one another better, and to continue to "learn each other". The same friend I mentioned a few lines ago also describes the clearest movements towards feeling more like one as the times when she or her husband are purposefully attempting to be students of the other. Let us be students, not critics.
     I am happier than I have been in a very long time, perhaps ever. Michael will tell you that I "only get excited about three things: new episodes of the TV show Bones, ice-hockey, and France". It's true that I am not a very outwardly bouncy person, though I don't think I'm outwardly an Eeyore, either. Whatever I am, he has helped me understand that we should try to show our small moments of joy and happiness to those around us, whether it comes naturally or not. Despite his knowing that I'm not naturally this way, Michael is the kind of person who looks for visible signs that I am happy or satisfied with something instead of just taking it for granted. I have had to hear this over and over from him for me to finally start to realize that it is totally in my "power" -- or God's, though prayer and requesting more of this impulse -- to improve this aspect of our marriage. "Fake it 'til you make it" will always sound cliché, but I would propose that it's usually true, though the reasons why are different in each context of application.
     The trials of the past six years have made me more grateful than ever for what I have. Sometimes, marriage and life feels a bit like listening to Revolution #9 on a good sound system (it's playing as I type this sentence): a bit confounding, very bizarre, disorienting. At others, you notice the moments of beauty in the "song": the baby laughing, the now passed-on John Lennon speaking and making weird noises, the everyday sounds of the city. But if we can listen to the messiness of the middle, and let it wash over us and just settle in to it, it's easier to let go of the angst of that struggle and to "enjoy" the growth that can happen and the crescendo towards the resolution of that struggle -- however "blissful" by society's standards.
   

The ironies of reason and rationality

In preparing for my Phd General exams next month, I have just come across a text that perhaps I should have read months ago. It's somewhat irrelevant for what I want to say here which text it is, since it has only confirmed things that I have been reflecting upon and reading about since first embarking into Animal Studies and all topics connected to it just about a year ago.

The unfortunate thing is, I'm sure most of you who just read that last sentence have now had some form of the thought, "Oh, so she works with animals, or on animal ethics." Yes, but no. The thing is, and what this text I'm in the middle of is making glaringly obvious, is that we don't get to choose between animals or humans. We need them and their environment (which just so happens to be our own, too) and yet they are completely disregarded by us in the ways that the Western world deals with them and with their bodies. We are trashing the earth (whether we see it or not) and as soon as they are gone, we will be soon to follow. "What of science?" you ask. Well, the thing this text is reminding me is that we haven't actually adapted to our changing environment. We still eat the most meat in the world in the US (by a LANDSLIDE.) and are so used to being able to buy strawberries whether it's Christmas or summer that we don't contemplate what it means to produce or import them from the places that can grow these things off-season. If we expected to outlive animals (which we clearly do, given the amount of information out there that tens if not hundreds of species will go extinct in less than 50 years, but we continue to live life as usual) then we should probably consider adapting. Science and knowledge won't help us if we refuse alternative types of nutrition. This is a complex issue, but it's pivotal to the existence of animals and its impact on the existence of humans.

To "love animals" is, in our culture, often connected to emotions, and not in a good way. Consider the tone people take when they say things like, "Oh, she's just being a woman." or "Stop being a girl about it!" Read="She's being emotional, and thus she must be acting "like a woman"...because men have never experienced a freaking emotion in their life! Or, "Stop being weak already!" I'm sorry, but I think one of the biggest reasons our society has so much trouble with the LGBT community and issues related to this, as well as women and animals, is that the "rationalism" that infuses every inch of our capitalist culture is only allowed to come from the hetero, white, Western man. Why are men considered to be less emotional or connected to their bodies, when it seems that they are so much less in control of their physicality, sexuality, etc. than women? Women can go weeks without sex, thank you very much, but a man? Oh, no. Because this is, after all, what has always been meant when people say men are "more rational". They can control themselves better. Then what do we make of Caesar's murder, or Jesus' death on the cross (whether you believe he was resurrected or not), or perhaps cops killing non-cops? I just don't see the line of reasoning. The problem is, what is "rational" doesn't actually employ reason. It is working out of a broken system that idolizes physical, financial, and social power - a power, let's be clear, that is only attainable by a small percentage of huge populations.

These thoughts are coming out quicker than I can edit them properly, but I am so worked up about it that I need them to be read. So me, it's obvious that things need to give in our attitude towards how we use nature and non-human beings. I would also put forth that it's about time we start respecting all the other human beings around us, but this issue is one that I must leave in the previous paragraph. The ecological crisis was likened in the text I'm reading to the Titanic. I will close with this quote, for fear of becoming so convoluted in my thoughts that it becomes completely unintelligible.

"...we have received the iceberg warning, and have made the remarkable decision to double the engine speed to Full Speed Ahead and go below to get a good night's rest. A change of course might be bad for business, we might have to slow down, lose time. Nothing, not even the ultimate risk of the death of nature, can be allowed to hold back the triumphant progress of the ship of rational fools."       (Emphasis mine.)

-Val Plumwood, Environmental Culture: The ecological crisis of reason

Things I need to get off my chest...

The season of Lent began last Wednesday, and I had no idea what to give up. I've decided to attempt being more positive. My schedule has been a total thrash the past few months, and it's made me too quick to take the low, bad-attitude road.

Now that I've said that, a few not-so-positive thoughts have been swimming in my head lately, and I really just need to get them out.

1. The Oscars are not necessarily the place to raise awareness, but sometimes it happens to happen there. Just because the thing you wanted awareness raised for didn't get "recognized" (though it's already pretty damn amazing to even be nominated...but you're right, winning is the only answer) doesn't mean it isn't something that was not worthy of it, or that something else wasn't also worthy of getting recognized. Try putting yourself in the shoes of the people who were recognized, and just have some empathetic happiness for them.

I would also guess that many of the people who are making the comments I'm referencing likely have only seen the movie they wanted to win. While this certainly isn't an isolated case, I just feel like we shouldn't really criticize until we know what it is we're criticizing (and not just something that isn't what we saw and liked already). It would also be helpful to understand the historical and cultural contexts (when they apply, and Lord knows they did for most of the nominations this year) that these films are coming from. Again, they all were deserving of recognition, and I believe that by being nominated they did get at least a portion of that.

(One optimistic Oscar comment: I sure hope that more young people are aware of the Sound of Music is! Loved that tribute, loved Lady Gaga's performance, loved Julie Andrews' reaction. And of course, love that classic musical.)

2. People driving 10+ miles over the speed limit who do things like passing in the merging lane just drive me crazy. I don't understand how their life and the lives of the people in the other cars don't mean enough to them to just have some patience. Again, if we could imagine what we would feel like if someone did whatever we're thinking about doing back to us, it might make us think twice about it.

That is all for my rant. I have already noticed a huge boost in energy and attitude from just trying to be more positive, but these things have been weighing on me as I've driven to and from Park & Rides and watched peoples' reactions on Facebook to the Oscars. Let's try to empathize and think twice.