A eulogy for Larry (part-cat, part-dog, part-bird)

Remembering Larry

Most of you will already know that Michael and I had to put Larry, our third cat, down on Monday evening. He had been hit by a car and it broke his pelvis and spine, disabling his two back legs. We are so fortunate and thankful for several things, though we are utterly saddened by this loss. First, we are glad to have both been home when he went into distress (he'd been hit a short time before we realized it, and just lounging outside while Michael worked, since we assume he wasn't really in pain and just couldn't feel his legs). All I had to do when Michael brought him in and we saw the blood on the floor and heard his confused yowling as he tried to get onto his legs was turn the oven off before we were able to get out the door. Secondly, we are just about 5 minutes away from a 24-hour emergency vet hospital, and since it was 7:30pm on a Monday, the place was nearly deserted and we didn't have to wait at all for them to see him. The staff were extremely gracious and forthcoming about the financial side of things as well as their guess as to what was wrong with him, giving us only clear and understandable information and being patient with our questions. Finally, we were relieved that the vet who examined Larry was able to tell with her preliminary exam the extent of the damage. It allowed us to know what the right decision was. Had we chosen to try to have his fractured back end surgically repaired, he would have had a long and painful road to recovery ahead (at least 6-8 weeks) and even then no guarantee of being back to 100%. Even had he been back to 100% after that, there's no telling that he wouldn't have gone out on his first day back outside and had another driver hit him. During recovery, he would have hated having to stay inside, and with the baby being around along with the other two cats, it would have been extra-challenging for everyone. 

The vet has special rooms where the lighting isn't as bright and where families can be more comfortable for situations where an animal is being put down. We were able to spend a few minutes with Larry before she came in to administer the euthanasia, and he was not in any pain as they had given him a catheter and some pain medicine. He was himself until the very end, though we could tell he was very confused as to why his legs were no longer carrying him. As those of you who have had to put down pets yourselves know, the end was quick and painless. Both the cats that I grew up with were put down while I was away at college, so I had never experienced this before and it was almost unbearable, though of course I wouldn't have chosen to not be there with Larry. 

We buried Larry underneath the spot next to our front hedge where he began napping for large parts of the day a few months ago. The huge amount of rocks that Michael had to pull out and dig through to get the hole deep enough for him now provide him shelter from the wind and rain that he so disliked, despite his love of being outdoors. We hope to find a perennial to plant inside of the rock "wall" to further commemorate this amazing animal.

Larry came into our lives only days after we found out that we were expecting a baby. He wandered up to Michael while he was working at his parents' house in North Lynnwood, and never stopped following him around. He followed him right inside, back out and into my father-in-law's van where Michael was organizing. When Michael texted me that day to ask if I wanted another cat, my answer was, of course, a pretty resilient NO. He brought him home anyway, and quickly and efficiently charmed his way into my heart. While his arrival was quite the shock for our other two cats, at least Mater warmed enough to him over time that, since late spring, the two of them had a tenuously functional relationship closely resembling that of a middle school romance. They would play, though both were very stand-offish; Larry because Mater was several pounds heavier than him and Mater because she never really wanted to admit she didn't hate him, I assume. Taffy, on the other hand, never warmed and was stressed constantly while Larry was around. Once he knew he could get a rise out of her (and that she wasn't going to fight back if he harassed her), of course he did so as often as he could. So, all of this to say that the chaos that entered our lives with Larry gave us, for about 9 months, a bizarre introduction to that of a child. While we are very aware that three cats and the crazy dynamics that brings is nothing at all like bringing home an infant for the first time, Larry forced us to solve many problems we never would have had to otherwise, and to navigate some strange new dynamics and situations with the other two felines that have shared our home for the past four years. 

Michael and I strongly believe that God's hand was heavy in this event, and that Larry was meant to be with us throughout this pregnancy, but no further. His arrival at the time we found out I was pregnant and his departure (or return home to God) the day before any real contractions began for me bring us peace in this. As I said, we are simply beside ourselves after the loss of this little prince, and in many ways find ourselves wondering how we will go on. The tears have been abundant, as memories of him are all around and we both keep expecting him to come prancing in the door when we open it. But we know that anytime now, a new little prince will be entering our lives and that the Lord knew that, for whatever reason, Larry didn't quite fit into that equation. Michael and I continue to trust in His provision and are grateful to have had such a rich 9 months with the strangest, most delightful animal that either of us have ever met (and likely ever will meet). The animal that we always called "part-cat, part-dog" and that my dad recently dubbed "a bird in a cat-suit" is simply irreplaceable, and the hole he has left in our hearts and our home is huge. 

Larry, we love you and words cannot express how much you are already missed. You were a companion unmatched for Michael during his projects and time in the yard and garage, and brought me much joy and laughter as you played and lived life at such a high speed. We can't believe that we were lucky enough to love you, but are so grateful that we did. May you rest in peace as you have come home to a place where you can run outdoors for eternity without ever getting hurt.

Some photos of Larry:

This photo was taken either the first or second day that Larry was part of our household. I was still skeptical of having a third cat, but that face was indeed hard to resist. Like Mater and Taffy, Larry loved looking out the window from this vantage point on top of my desk, but if it was dark, he'd settle for a stare-down with me, too.

Larry loved messing about in our bathtub. Here he is actually bathing himself while in the tub, but his favorite thing to do was to sit on the side while I was having a bubble bath. He would dip his paw in the water and pull out some bubbles (the lavender flavor didn't seem to bother him) before cleaning it meticulously. Ironically, he hated getting bathed and the rain...

Anytime anyone was outside, Larry loved to be with them, if only for a few minutes at a time. Him & Michael spent hours together in the yard and garage, but here I was the lucky benefactor of his curiosity on a rare day I read outside in the sun last spring.

Rarely did Larry stop moving when he was inside the house, let alone to cuddle like this. (He did cuddle a lot with Michael in the garage, but was so easily wound up in the house by the two other cats being around that he never seemed to calm down in here!) I think he only sat with me for about 5 minutes here, but he was digging it while he did. I find it slightly ironic that I was reading "Black Skin, White Masks" here...

No caption needed here...Larry didn't beg too often, since he was often running about or in his kitty tower during mealtime, but he was just as much of an opportunist as the next cat! Here, the guitar case gave him an extra-special vantage point.

He was not a happy camper when we took this photo, but Larry did enjoy watching tv (sports or otherwise) with us. The look on Michael's face only shows about half of the amount of love he had for this cat; I loved Larry, too, but those two were the best of friends. May that little bundle of energy rest in peace where he lies in our front drive and frolic to his heart's content in Heaven. Our home will never be the same without him!

Almost time for baby!

My due date is only 8 days away, and I wanted to take some time to reflect on a few things that have been on my mind lately. I am grateful for a roof over my head and food in the frig on this rainy, windy day and also for the fact that, no matter when the little guy decides to come, we are ready "enough". It's hard to believe that a year ago, we were at Oktoberfest in Leavenworth and a baby really wasn't even on our radar, and that just a few months later we decided that maybe we were ready to attempt this next shaky step in our lives together. I am thankful that God was clearly the one who planted those seeds of thought and hope, since just weeks later, we were pregnant. For me, this was one of the "best" times to get pregnant and to take an academic leave, as I am at a sort of halfway point between coursework & exams and the beginning of my dissertation. I plan to submit my prospectus in the next several days in order to be able to be as focused on the baby as I can until heading back into research and school in the new year. Our families have already given much time, love and energy to the preparation for this little guy, and I am lucky to have my mom around much more often, thanks to her retirement a few weeks ago. 

One thing that I have thought often about the past couple of weeks especially is how hard Michael has worked to prepare for our baby. While it may seem to him like I still find many things to nag about, the fact is that he has not shied away from any of the little things that we needed to work out to make our home ready for this new little human about to make his entrance. His creative mind and able skill-set when it comes to all things fixing, altering and building have been amazing to watch in action, perhaps more than I've ever gotten to see, these past months. Sometimes it's hard to see past the time things take, since he already works a physical job during the day and doesn't always have the energy to keep going into the evening. However, I am incredibly grateful to have him by my side, and so impressed with everything that he's done for us. In addition to the physical labor he has put in around our home, he has also been a strong advocate for my mental and physical health these past 9 and a half months. While I do wish that I had maintained a more rigorous and regular exercise regimen throughout my pregnancy, he has helped me to focus on the task at hand, which at many points was an extremely demanding academic one. Preparing for my PhD exams asked much of me, but also of him, as I was often exhausted and impatient while at home (and at school, I suppose - but he was spared that, luckily!) in what little time remained after finishing reading and preparation each day. I have found that it just doesn't come naturally to me to maintain any kind of regular exercise schedule during such intense academic work periods, and he helped me focus on what was essential during this most recent of those periods. Since I have finished teaching and passed my exams, and thus been home more often, he has encouraged me in whatever I felt able to do physically and also pushed for me to rest - not easy for me, if you've spent any time around me longer than a day or two! I just do not feel free to stop, and the times that I do find myself getting up off the couch after hours of watching Grey's Anatomy, Bones or whatever other show's latest season as finally come to Netflix, I have a hard time not feeling deeply guilty. While I in no way aspire to becoming a professional and proud couch potato, I do appreciate why he so often says to me, "Relax!" and pulls me away from whatever house chore I am working on. The fact is, they aren't usually a life or death matter, and in a week or whenever baby arrives, everyone tells me that I won't be doing any of them, anyway. Hard to imagine, but I am trying to find a reasonable balance for trying to micromanage anything at all in order to avoid total mental chaos at that all-too-inevitable time! Michael also tirelessly attended birth class with me, and, it turns out, was our teacher's "go-to" student for feedback! Ildi has become our doula also, and when she was at our house earlier this week said that she knew she could always count on Michael to give his opinion or answer the questions. He somehow didn't ever let on just how much he was dreading the class when we signed up, but always said how glad he was to have gone each week. We learned a lot and it was a great group of couples that we were able to share the learning process with!

So, thank you, Michael, for being you and for loving me. I can't wait for us to meet this little boy and to watch you grow and mature into what I know will be an amazing father. I hope that, as the years press on, I will learn to love you better with each day despite myself and that God will help us learn from Him and from one another as we deal with our individual isms and particularities. After 6 and a half years, I really mean it when I say that I love you more now than I ever have!

I wish I could write these in the baby journal that I have relatively faithfully filled in at various points throughout the pregnancy, but my most uncomfortable symptom has emerged these past several weeks - numb fingers! It has not been fun at all, but I am so grateful to have been really quite fortunate in the discomforts I experienced (and didn't!). Since I can't write by hand, I want to capture some thoughts about the pregnancy and impending delivery.

Things I will miss about being pregnant:

• Feeling the baby move. While often a bit uncomfortable, I must admit that this has been one of my most treasured things about pregnancy. How he responds to me reading to him or to a voice is just an amazing experience, and I will miss it.
• People being [generally] nicer and more courteous. Let's face it: once you start showing a bump (that is clearly a bump), most people will at least try to avoid scowling at you, if not offer you their seat at the bus stop. Some of them remain as glued to their mobile devices as ever and I did give a glare a time or two, but the fact of the matter is, it's just nice when someone notices that maybe that round piece on your front weighs a bit awkwardly, and offers to open the door, give you their seat, or just smiles at you and attempts a conversation. It was tempting, the few times when people asked me questions openly about the pregnancy, to say, "I'm not pregnant!", but I know that, even those who make that mistake with someone who is not with child always mean well. 
• Minimized guilt about what I ate (though not completely!). It's hard not to let oneself lose all control when it comes to eating sweets and carbs during pregnancy, and it's true that those extra 200-500 calories needed really don't justify a daily banana split with all the toppings. Having said that, I don't regret one bit that I did end up eating ice cream most days! I'm glad that I already had a healthy eating routine before pregnancy, and that that did allow me to feel a bit freer when it came to indulging a bit more often. 

Things I will NOT miss:

• Carrying around that extra weight. Everybody and every body is different when it comes to how us women put on the pregnancy pounds, and we should all try to be mentally prepared for gaining more weight than we'd like during this time of growing a human. Having said that, I'm pretty sure it's easier said than done for most of us! As I mentioned above, I didn't maintain the consistent exercise regimen that I would have liked to throughout my pregnancy, and that may or may not have had a significant impact on the weight that I put on. Either way, most of the weight I have gained IS in the bump, so it will be nice to at least have some of that gone after delivery (though I know that it is in no way a magical return to pre-baby weight a week after baby). 
• Feeling like my sole purpose is to grow and carry this baby. I understand why people seem to only talk about the pregnancy and the baby once it is open information. However, at a certain point, I was ready to stop talking about the human that was sucking all of my energy and start talking more about ME. It could even feel a little demeaning in certain instances, being thanked for "doing this". However, babies make people lose certain filters and I understand that, so I'm just looking forward to having my own self and body back...mostly!
• The gas. There, I said it. If you've spent time with me recently and I know you well enough, then I've apologized openly for my bodily air escapades. If I don't know you well enough, I'm apologizing now. For someone who had periods of not-so-rosy-smelling gassiness BEFORE being pregnant, the past few months have been especially pungent, and I so hope that that will mostly resolve itself after delivery!

I'd like to close this post by saying a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have so generously given Michael and I gifts and giftcards at my many showers over the summer. I apologize if you have yet to receive an actual thank you note - I had four showers and the last two were huge groups of people, so my goal has been boiled down to just getting them out before the baby! Unfortunately, even that may not happen... Anyway, we have been so incredibly blessed by all of you and are truly grateful. Having said this, we will likely need lots of help and support over the next several months that I am on leave, which also happen to be the holidays. If you are able to make a meal or buy us a few grocery items, please let us know. In addition, our Amazon.com and Babies'R'Us registries should remain accessible through the new year, if I understand the fine print correctly, and I have now updated them to what I anticipate will be our most immediate needs over the next several months. And if what you can offer is time more than anything, please let me know so that we can work out a time for you to come over - let me know if you just want to give us a spell and time to either take a nap or run errands, or if you prefer to be set to a cleaning task or errand yourself!