Correction: Of Hope

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
 vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
 What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
 The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
 All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
 All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
 the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
 What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.
 Is there a thing of which it is said,
“See, this is new”?
It has been already
in the ages before us.
 There is no remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
among those who come after. (Ecclesiastes 1:2-11)

My devotional for this morning brought an important thing to my attention and prompted me to realize a correction to my previous post should be made. Perhaps more of a footnote. I'd like to be very clear. I am quite skeptical about the world and Western society today: what is valued, what is sought after, what is considered "good" or "bad" or "cool" or "lame". How we throw around derogatory terms without the awareness that they might hurt someone, and that words often hurt us more than physical injury. Having said all of this, I have been reminded this morning that in this fallen world, we can have hope, and we are urged to by our Creator. If you don't believe in a God because you see so much pain & suffering, I can understand. But, consider this: without pain, discomfort, suffering, and even untimely or violent death, would we even be aware of the good, the beautiful, the pure? Or would we just forget that sometimes we are lucky and fortunate/blessed enough to get to experience such moments, and that they stand out and are all the more noticeable thanks to (I dare use the term for attributing a positive cause, the distinction of which my French 103 students recently learned) the darkness we see more and more around us?

I realize that this might not be very uplifting, but I still urge you to consider this world--which is full of fallen people who all lack an essential, God-shaped piece--without the pain and the suffering, and to conceive of what that would mean. Man is considered by some current-day philosophers to have an intrinsic nature that always is seeking to improve, to advance, to create more. This is fine, but without God, "sans bornes" (loosely translated "without borders", but not in a physical sense of the term), it will sooner or later do more damage than good. Society, government--these are things we have created in an attempt to limit and control this tendency. However, as we participate in these, we often forget that we were created by something greater.

My previous post was relatively hopeless. This morning, I choose hope and I share this choice with you. I realize that my simple musings don't address or reach all of the complexities of pain, suffering, and the other circumstances in each person's life. However, I do hope that you will somehow be encouraged to know that a) as you can see from the verses, we have struggled with hopelessness for quite a long time (like, forever), and b) there is a Hope that you can claim, and One who ardently desires for you to come and dwell with Him at the Table. We cannot escape the darkness in the world no matter how much we try. We can choose to fight it with what it least expects and fears: HOPE and JOY. Be blessed, be well, and have hope today.

Unproductivity

Tonight, while I should be working on an annotated bibliography, I am feeling obliged to share some of what is going through my mind. I am worn out, though aware that it could be worse. There are things that, yes, I might avoid doing in order to provide "more time". However, I have learned that "more time" doesn't always mean "more satisfied" or "more rested". This is very problematic when we are expected to do so much all the time, every day. In academia, no matter how much awareness of the politics that are involved has risen, it is always a bit of a tooth and nail fight. Lately, I'm just not sure I have it in me to do this for the rest of my life. It's early in the program and I'm far from giving up. I did, however, come here to a PhD program because I figured it would finally be a time I could study what I wanted. I have been blessed with great professors and colleagues that have become friends and mentors. Really, I can't complain (but of course, I'll find something--just ask my husband!).

Our generation is at once victim and guilty--victim of previous generations' carelessness and thoughtlessness, and guilty of the same carelessness and thoughtlessness...paired with a growing apathy for the people and things around us. We blame it all on everyone else...while shutting them all out in the interest of a more exciting post on a social network. I do not understand our obsessions, though I am far from exempt from participating. We consume without reflecting on where what we consume must come from, and the things that must happen in order for it to be so. Sometimes, I'd just like to shake the earth a little bit (or at least the "Western world") and say, "Wake up!"

PhD etc.

In September, I started a PhD program at the University of Washington here in Seattle. Since then, I've made it through two quarters and it looks like about 10 months since my last post. A lot has changed, and continues to daily. I find myself constantly reflecting upon why I am where I am, where Michael and I are "headed" in the longer term (house, kids, etc.) and how it all fits together. Of course, none of these questions or musings can be resolved simply, and require patience and perseverance. (Duh.) In academia, your motives, goals and projects are constantly brought into question or call for a defense. It can get overwhelming very quickly, and often does. The trick is learning how to literally fake it 'til you make it, and to work in the meantime to find your way so that eventually you really are making it!

One huge difference in this program is the fact that I am essentially my own cohort. A strange concept, and one that I didn't really consider until partway through my first quarter, when I really began to feel the weight of all the newness--new colleagues, new professors, a new student body, a new book, a new class to teach. It was a LOT of new! Someone at that point--I believe a good friend also in academia, and whose advice has been invaluable to me ever since we both embarked on this journey--asked me, "Well, who else is in your cohort? Can you talk these issues over with them?" Nope, no can do. Of course, as a TA there are many people that I talk to often about those struggles. However, in general and as far as the entire process goes, I am really the only one on my particular track at this particular point. Luckily, I have since made a wonderful friendship with another PhD candidate who is really only one year (give or take) ahead of me. We both came in with MA's from other schools and are therefore having to jump through extra hoops to "prove ourselves". Both of our husbands have habits we wish they'd get rid of, and get along very well. We both enjoy cooking, eating, and just generally shooting the breeze when we get a free few minutes. It has been really refreshing and it's always nice to know there's someone who understands most aspects of a certain struggle. This quarter, Céline and I are in both of the same classes and have both been accepted into a certificate program for a Second Language Pedagogy Teaching track, so that's also exciting.

When I look at the big picture (finishing coursework and the certificate this year/next, dissertation the next two years after that, house, kids, ????), it's easy to just fa-reak OUT. However, lately I have been reminded of the intentional nature of God. He would not have put me in the department at UW if there weren't other purposes for me there. I'm not sure yet which purposes are the ones that matter most to Him, but I trust that whether it is the simple task of completing the degree or just sharing my views with everyone, it will fall into place. Michael and I have begun attending a new church in Greenlake that we both really enjoy and glean a lot from. Some of my close friends from high school also are regular attenders, so it has been fun to spend time together with them as couples, and we have a great time!

This leads me to the thing that I have recently realized about myself: I have unfinished grief-business that is almost 15 years old. My godfather, Dave's, death in 2000 threw my 13 year-old self didn't know how to deal, and really didn't. Everything around me changed in just a few months it seemed. Everything since changed or has been somehow impacted, also. However, I spend so much time focusing on the "positives" that came out of the tragedy (mostly relationships that were strengthened, changed, or started as a result of Dave's passing) distracted me until now from some important things that I needed to at the very least acknowledge. One of these was that I became sensitive to getting close to people. I have always had a lot of friends, but have never really had a best friend. Many of my friends now have been close friends for a long time, but I've also allowed other friendships to essentially fall by the wayside. Now as I look back, I realize that in those relationships, when things got hard, I kind of just shut down; I didn't want to deal with the pain of a monumental "death" of the relationship, so I just let it fade out. I'm grateful that the majority of those relationships remain intact, even if they aren't how I might have wanted them to stay. God has blessed me with people in all seasons of my life, but I believe that I have sometimes left undone the tasks He wants us to do to keep those relationships--the ones that create a community around us. This saddens me greatly. However, I can't go back and so am trying to make a conscious effort moving forward to avoid leaving these things undone in laziness.

Another element that is left over from Dave's death is doing the dishes. Yes, you read that right. If you know me or have been around Michael and I in the past year, you will know how big of a role this issue has played in our day-to-day recently. I know it's been a mystery to him, but the fact is that it was also a mystery to me: why was I so dang hung up on this chore? Sure, we don't have a dishwasher here in our apartment, it's tiny, and the dishes seem to pile up the second you finish doing them. Having said that, is it really a life or death moment?? Well, kind of. In the week and a half before Dave's death, there were a bunch of us that were pretty cooped up in one house, and there wasn't much to do. People eat, and dishes accumulate. So, I did the dishes because it was really one of the only things that I could do. I really think that ever since I have hung more importance on that task than it could ever possibly take--in any relationship. Now, I try to leave the dishes alone every once in a while. I am grateful that I live in a home with two cats and a husband who are all very alive, and I know that despite this, you never know when your time might come. I want to take advantage of the little free time that I have. And so I leave the dishes or do them early in the morning when I'm up getting ready before anyone else.

A few photos from the past few months:

Simone & I have known each other since we were petites filles at the French American School. Her encouragement and support in all things academic has been invaluable, and I treasure our friendship!

Christmas was wonderful; we got to be with both families and didn't have to fly across the country to do so. It marked the last holiday we hadn't gotten to since our move back to the PNW--it's officially been a year!

The weekend before my birthday, we went out to Sequim to visit Michael's dear cousins, Christopher & Wanda. Of course, we forgot to snap any photos of them...so we'll just have to go back and visit again. (It was windy while we were there!)

My brother-in-law, Joel, and his band Hidden History played their first live show in Seattle in March. Here are the Burgess sisters (Joel's wife, Ella, his sister, Crystal, and myself) at the show.

Michael and I met up with some of my second cousins in Everett for dinner. Lisa & Jodie are some fun ladies, and we're looking forward to more times together soon :)

Michael, Dennis & Joe also had a good time catching up. As you can see, Michael's beard is reaching monumental proportions...