Two things to hold

It's a rainy, grey day and I look a mess. No time to put on anything but mascara and my hair is already coming out of the pins I used to try to keep it out of my face. A new neighbor cat thought today was a good day to start claiming our front stoop, and so he peed on one of the two new bags of cloth diapers that had just been delivered. In the short drive to drop off Jonathan to his grandma's, I saw no less than 10 drivers do totally ridiculous and dangerous things. And the bus I'm now on sounds like it's middle is about rusted off its hinges, so it will be interesting to see how that plays out.

All of this is of course to establish that my mood has often better. It is also, however, to preface an explanation of one of the things I believe that as humans - and even more so, as Christians - we will and should grapple with most of the days of our lives: How do we see all of the frustration, pain and evil that should be evident to us each day and still remain hopeful - even joyful? 

I personally believe that we should strive to "hold" both things (in our minds or awareness: choose not to ignore one to the deficit of the other) as much of the time as possible. Not because we should dwell on the yucky stuff in the world, but because it should be the motivating factor - the fire under our asses, so-to-speak - behind a hope that we CAN make the world a better place, and a subsequent adjustment to our actions. 

My work forces me to think and read constantly about animal ethics. If you read more than a few pages in any book that addresses the topic, you will come across some degree of discussion about the horrors of factory farming and/or animal experimentation. (Unless it is a 100% philosophical work, in which case these issues are not always a constant focus.) I don't want to get into those topics here, but only use the fact that I am often thinking about them to bring up the way that this holding, this balancing of the awareness of evil and our attempting to at least not aggravate it, it reaches every aspect of our lives down to the food you choose to put in your (and your children and pets') mouth.

Knowing that God made this world and that at any moment could choose to eradicate all evil, or just everything and everyone, the whole deal, is what I am trying to cling to as I constantly push back on a feeling of help- and hopelessness when I have a day like today, see how so many people act based only on anger and emotions (=mot considering others' contexts, only thinking of how X action affects me in an inconvenient way), or just simply think about the fact that I have a 200-250 page dissertation to write! He COULD fix it, if He wanted to. He's GOD. So why waste any length of time wallowing? Does it stop the cat marking his territory, or the idiot who absolutely cannot drive just 10 mph over, and also won't suffer through the hardship of establishing his lane and getting over more than 50 feet before his exit? Nope. All I can do is clean up the pee and focus on driving safely. We can't do life for other people or animals. Our society is so focused on do-it-yourself and finding the right solution to your problems, that we've completely lost the plot on the fact that some things are not perfect, and that that is just fine. We should strive to be kind, to respect and love each other, and to think critically about where the things we eat, wear and use might have come from. 

These thoughts are a bit jumbled, but I urge you today to stop worrying about why things or people suck so badly - most of the time it accomplishes absolutely nothing! Let's try to make the world better, let's hold on to hope without losing sight of the reason we need to.

An ode to the real 4.0 student

This week is finals week of my first quarter back since Jonathan was born. I chose to TA for a class on Rome, as it only required me to be on campus 3 days per week, and it's been a great experience thus far. However, thanks to a  few students, I am feeling stretched and poked like a mound of Play Doh (sp??). 

I am quite aware that in many cases where there is a stricter grader and a more generous grader, I will be the former. It seems to me that a student who receives an A should be anything but complacent, and that that grade is for those who have pushed themselves continuously in a course. A 4.0/100% should only be given when exceptional work has been done, as it implies perfection. Unfortunately, we work and study in a time and a country where students often expect to be given a passing grade (read=A) just for showing up and doing a decent job on most of the assigned work. That a teacher would demand consistent study, practice and punctuality in turning in work seems to be a totally abstract concept for many. I'm sorry for this rant, but some of the experiences that my colleagues and myself have had are simply laughable, and continue to confirm the reality that many American students (the international students are usually more open to adapting to regular expectations if they aren't already conditioned to them) expect to be given the grade that they want just for occupying a desk in the university of their choice. 

So, back to me being the strict grader. I am currently dealing with multiple students who think my grades are unfair and several of whom have gone to the professor about it. Now, let me say that this is the first "content course" I have TAd for in 7 years of teaching, and that I, too, had a very steep learning curve as to how to grade essays, in particular. The students had two papers due over the course of the quarter. The first paper took me at least 14 hours to grade, probably more. The amount of basic spelling, grammar and syntax errors was staggering, and, I do admit, may well have caused me to mark some grades down lower than I would have otherwise. Having said this, 15 years ago, that kind of marking down would have been normal practice, I'm quite sure. I was under the impression that part of writing a good paper requires that the reader not have to parse and reorder your clauses, words and letters themselves in order to understand your points, but that's just my humble opinion, and one with which roughly 65% of my students in this course would apparently disagree. I gathered this from the death glares that I received from many otherwise upbeat individuals upon receiving the graded essays. Shockingly, most of the students most upset rarely spoke in class, and don't seem particularly concerned with whether or not they make it to lecture on a regular basis. 

All of this is to demonstrate my reasons for being extremely irritated with the fact that I now am spending valuable time during my weekend and time off trying to make a few average students feel better about themselves by pretending that a book report is an acceptable 4.0 essay and that it's all my fault if they don't get the grade they "need". Now, I'm aware that, apparently, the other two TAs' averages were slightly higher than mine, but I didn't receive specifics and this was something a student shared with me to bolster her argument for more points. It's very possible that their averages are higher, in which case the professor wants us all to adjust our median/curve. Either way, the students complaining are not turning in work that consistently demonstrates attention to detail and some attempt at excellence. I understand not every student is capable of excelling in every course they take, as we are all extremely different in our skills and interests. Isn't that what studying is for? Or a B or C grade? I had a horrible time getting passing grades in a handful of Gen Eds in undergrad, and I'm sure I complained...but I DID THE WORK! 

This, then, is my ode to the students in my class who did receive 4.0's (I DID give several out, along with several other A grades!) and most of whom pursued their questions by getting in touch with me during class or otherwise. Great students are far too often hard to distinguish from the pack of average ones in our current culture of grade inflation, and that is just not fair. This inflation isn't fair for the great students (duh), but it's also unfair for their teachers who are faced with either giving in to or engaging in ridiculous debates with the average/disatisfied students. It is actually NOT true that everyone deserves to succeed identically in every area, and tgis should be a source of richness in a society, because it should allow those that do excel to be recognized for it. What everyone DOES deserve is to succeed at the thing they were made to succeed at. The American Dream didn't start out as the idea that an Italian who was a wizard with pasta should come to America because there he could be a world-famous shoe-maker, or that a French breadmaker could come be a good blacksmith. It was the idea that you should be able to succeed in the area you were made for. First you have to find out what that is, and that requires much trial and error. Many students in US colleges and universities today live as if all you need to do to be successful at something is to check the box next to it for your major.

I'm trying to end this in a cool way but it just keeps going on, so I will just stop! Can we just all be okay with not being the best at everything??

Growing faster all the time

Our little boy is growing up so fast! In just the past day he has learned how to turn pages in his books and really hug me when he came home from Grandma's yesterday. It is just unbelievable how much he learns all the time now! 

We are blessed that he continues to sleep well and has started eating some banana without any issues. I have had to ask for a lot of extra support the past couple of weeks due to the build-up of stress and fatigue, but that is a good thing to learn how to do. I wake up each day incredibly grateful for the time and energy both Michael's and my family put in to help care for and love Jonathan! 

Baby Jonathan becoming more of a little person with each passing day

It's amazing how fast this little boy is growing. In the past week, he has found his hands in earnest, squeals and laughes (and screams) more when we play, and has started looking out the window from the carseat (photo here). As he has begun teething, he's making new faces while he chews on his gums, like a man without dentures in. He continues to sleep through the night, for now, which is of course a huge blessing as it allows me to get a few things done! He seems to love spending time with both Michael's and my mom (and dads, when they are around!) and I am slowly adjusting to being okay with being away part time for work.

Work has, not surprisingly, been one of the most challenging adjustments for our family. As I said, Jonathan generally does great. I, on the other hand, have to work to actually "be" at work. Yesterday was the first time I stayed to do more than just eat, pump or last-minute prep at my office...and the world didn't end! I still feel guilty if I'm gone for too long, but at least my work isn't too far away and so my time gone is relatively maximized. 

We are so lucky to be Jonathan's parents. It is still very hard to believe that we are a mom and dad, and that puts new pressures on our relationship, but we are all healthy and doing our best!

After the storms

It's amazing how the longest and most draining days are sometimes followed by a sharpened sense of clarity and calm. It is comparable, perhaps, to the moments following crisis and disaster: whether manifest in a literal quiet or an internal calm, it seems many accounts of survivors of environmental (earthquakes, massive storms) and emotional (divorce, loss) describe this feeling. 

My "storms" have been small, but frequent these past three months since Jonathan was born. A week ago, I became weighed down by an intense feeling of what I think I will call despair. I won't go into too much detail, but I despaired over the person I had allowed myself to become much of the time for my husband. (Meaning how I acted when I was around him, away from others.) Of course it also reached into other areas of my life, but he received the brunt of an intense negativity that usually refused even the tenderest of efforts to be consoled. A week ago, I decided to turn that negativity around for good. 

Cue one of the most frustrating and challenging weeks I've had since Jonathan's birth. It has been moment after moment of acute awareness of a very real enemy who opposes our joy and peace on this earth and wants to wear us down by throwing challenge after challenge our way. From the most benign annoyance (a schedule change in my childcare for the first time since returning to work, but NOT a lack of it) to the relatively serious (water leaking through the light fixture in the nursery, prompting the necessity to replace our roof), I have truly felt that enemy taunting my decision to be more positive. 

I am sad to say that several times, he succeeded in getting me down. But never was I ignorant to exactly what was happening, and that the process of becoming more positive in all circumstances will certainly require "real world training"! This, in itself, this awareness of the opportunity we have to learn from each situation no matter our actual reaction (i.e. whether it was the reaction we'd hoped we would have or not!), has me sitting in one of these quiet moments this morning. I am weary, and I am not always positive, but I still want to keep trying to be and that, in my opinion, is right where God wants us to be! While we should seek to learn all we can from past situations, all we can control is how we react to the next one. 

May you find a moment of peace and quiet today, no matter how big or small the storm you have just been through.