Taking time to come to His shelter

Despite the fact that I have little time to spare in this last (!!! YES!!!) week of Fall Quarter, I am feeling that it is important that I take a few moments to reflect upon the past few months. It has been a whirlwind: buying a house, starting my 2nd year towards a PhD, having bought a house, dealing with a new commute, dealing with having bought a house...basically the house has crammed my ever-busy-bein' mind to the gills. And often, that has not been a happy place for me to be. Today, however, after months of others being so happy and excited for this new step in our lives (and now that most of the place is looking lived-in!), I really am thankful for this home. It has taught me some surprising things:

1. It is important to go with the flow. Even if this means literally, going with the flow of rain that lets you know of the tiny holes in your roof and the water coming out of your dishwasher. Because, in my charmed life, I am married to and the daughter-in-law of two Handymen who will not only fix the roof in an afternoon, but find a gently-used, good-lookin' dishwasher to replace the old one just by remodeling a kitchen. Actually, we were on the receiving end of three such appliances from the same job! So going with the flow, while challenging mentally, can pay off. And if it doesn't literally pay off, your patience (for yourself, another person or a certain type of situation or disaster) will grow.

2. Sweeping twice a day, everyday really isn't all that bad. Our little house is all hard-floored. This is great on the one hand, since you can't sweep carpet and with two cats, fur accumulates way too fast. However, since we have outside-entrances on either side of the house (and the most-often used is on the kitchen-side), dirt accumulates quickly. However, because our home is quite small, it takes me all of about 15 minutes to sweep and clean the cat box (another one of my favorite daily chores). So, really, I can't complain or make many logical excuses to not just pick up the goshdurned broom and sing a little Mary Poppins tune while I sweep (though luckily, not the chimney!).

3. A woodstove isn't magic, and requires a LOT of poking and prodding...but I CAN make a fire! Our house is only heated by our trusty woodstove, since two of three wallheaters are kaputt and we don't really care to spend money to repair an inefficient source of energy. As a result, these cold snaps Seattle has been experiencing have provided some lessons in patience. Initially, the dry wood that we had abounded and we still had lots of newspaper. Now, however, we still have lots of wood but much of it hasn't had the time it would like to dry properly, making it difficult to really get a fire going, and definitely to keep it going. However, I do know how to make and maintain a fire, now!

4. New space, new pace -- and lots of grace! With a new commute that requires me to be away by 6:15am five days per week, I am usually hitting a pretty big energy wall by around 2pm. I also have what feels like five more excuses to lounge around doing nothing all evening every evening. However, the quarter system scoffs at such behavior no matter what time you get up, and so Michael and I are finally getting adjusted to these types of changes in our life. He has been trying to get up earlier so that he comes home earlier, too, making it more doable to eat dinner together and both get to sleep at a decent hour. These are hard habits to create, though, so we are trying to give ourselves and each other grace in the process. We have been working to notice the lessons it's teaching us and to talk about it all to avoid bottling up every little annoyance, and that seems to be working quite well.

All in all, I am reflecting today on the things I am grateful for, though I too often choose to think about the things that I wish were more balanced or more easily taken care of. We both have jobs and incomes, families that are nearby, and a home that we know will be quite nearly perfect for us quite soon. God always seems to want to teach you one more lesson than you think you are capable of learning, but we aim to learn despite ourselves. Today, may we all come into the Lord's shelter -- whatever that may mean for you at this moment. Some of us literally need physical shelter today, but others might need shelter from hunger, anxiety, prejudice...really anything can bring us to our knees and needing help. Seek His arms, for He longs to shelter you.

Two pages in

Since my last post, Michael and I have bought a house, moved, and I have started my second year at the University of Washington. This morning, however, I write because I need to share something that I am feeling, and that I know I will continue to feel and encounter for the next three years, given my chosen course of research and work.

This morning, I am putting together the first draft of a reading list for my Critical Animal Studies exam, which will take place in the Spring. I've just cracked open the introduction to Matthew Scully's book, Dominion, which is a call to compassion and our nature-given (or God-given, as I believe he also strongly asserts) duty to animals.

I have read two pages, and I am heartbroken. Think about what you eat and where it comes from today. Reflect upon and wonder at the clothes you wear and the shoes you covet, and how they might be made. If this brings you to consider things like sweat shops and less-than minimum wage jobs, that's not a bad thing, either. Our consumption of food and of things has increased to the point that we engender horrific conditions and circumstances in order to meet these "needs".

I'm sure you're all excited for the weekend; I am too. But today please, feel something for these living, breathing beings that are, grossly more often than not, treated more like a machine than what they are. This brings me to mourning, but it also urges me, cries out to me to work each day to ask questions and to respect the beings that surround me and that are often hidden from me in the interest of production.

Hope or despair: the problem with credit and the hope of Psalm 49

I want to start by saying that I realize that many of my posts seem very cynical of the current generation. I'm part of this generation and I teach the generation that's following me (or half-generation, since they are still only 7 or so years younger, generally). This does not give me any kind of major authority, since I have only lived in a handful of cities and taught/studied at even fewer universities. I also realize that, as a Christian, I may sometimes say things that seem a bit too much like a blanket-statement. Of course, in this area, too, I am no expert. However, the evil in our world grieves me greatly, and this is one of the spaces where I try to voice that grief, while also hoping to show that I am trying to choose hope. Having said all of this, I hope you'll take my words with a grain of salt, whether you read from the perspective of a Christian or not.

The past few weeks have held many lessons for me. Each "problem" (read=teachable moment/lesson) has ended up prompting the same question: do I choose hope or despair? In the world we live in and the culture it fuels, despair (the big brother to disappointment, in my opinion) is rampant. The average person is so distracted by what they do not have and by what they wish they had that they a) are not focused on the present, thus likely missing many wonderful moments, and b) often go to ridiculous lengths to get/attain these things or "statii". Credit, often seeming to be the "key" to getting what we want without actually being able to afford it, is at once an awesome and terrifying thing, but rarely now do people fully understand what it means to use it well. I mean no disrespect to those who have had to use it more than they would have liked to, because I have, too. Everything is more expensive these days, and what our parents were able to do at 30 is not as easy for us. However, the laziness that plagues our culture doesn't leave much space, if any, for the 20- and 30-somethings (not to mention the teenagers with iPhones and credit cards lining their bookbags) to work out just how to get un-hitched from credit as the first "solution" to this imbalance.

This week, my devotional has been focusing on Psalm 49. For the issue of money and wealth, these verses are pretty powerful for the encouragement they give to those who haven't "hit it big"...meaning the majority of us! (Though it does paint the wealthy in quite a cynical light.) At the time this psalm was written, I can only imagine how wide the gap of physical/living condition comfort was between those who were not a king, politician, or successful tradesman and those men who were. Many of those who struggle greatly to make ends meet in our current society still come home at the end of the day in their own car to a roof over their head and food on the table. Even they often despair. But for them and for those with no home, no car, and likely no food on a regular basis, the psalmist encourages:

Man in his pomp will not remain; he is like the beasts that perish. This is the path of those who have foolish confidence; yet after them people approve of their boasts. (12-13) 

But God will ransom my soul from the power of Sheol, for he will receive me. Be not afraid when a man becomes rich, when the glory of his house increases. For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not go down after him. For though, while he lives, he counts himself blessed--and though you get praise when you do well for yourself--his soul will go to the generation of his fathers, who will never again see light. (15-19)

These words encourage and sustain me, today. Michael and I are in the process of buying a home, and this is a huge change. There will be many adjustments, and quite possibly some unsettling moments financially. I believe that we have prepared as well as we could, but it is easy to get distracted by the potential of unexpected expenses or repairs. So, I ask God to help me focus instead on what I have and the grace He has given us.

I pray that you choose hope today. I also try to practice joy and patience, but I find them to often be natural outpourings of hope! Bless you.

 

Noah (a movie review?)

We just watched Noah, the new movie interpretation of one of the most-told and well-known stories from the Bible. Reviewers and movie-goers, not surprisingly, have been largely preoccupied with its level of accuracy. I would urge anyone coming to see the film to take it, as we should any film interpretation of a story we know, with the understanding that it is being interpreted by a person who may or may not have the same views of the world as we do. There will never be a movie that everyone agrees is the perfect interpretation of a story. Having said this, I think that Noah does an extremely apt job of expressing the way in which our world has always been full of diversity that does polarizes more often than it enriches and unites.

If you do not believe in the version of Noah's story from the Bible, so be it. But if you can see this film and not be shaken by the handful of scenes portraying the men and women God chooses to wipe off the earth, then I must say that this would make me truly sad. While the scenes might be of the type that many movie-goers have learned to expect (blood, betrayal, raucous and unruly behavior, etc.), within the context of this film and their direct correlation to the sin of man and man's unwillingness to cede his will for God's, I found it almost too much to keep watching. One character in particular (who I am quite sure is not in the original account in the Bible, though I haven't gone back to check yet) seems to verily represent this mindset; that man makes his own choices, and that he will decide whether he will be wiped from the earth or not. I'm sorry, but if you believe in any kind of higher power, you must understand how absurd that sounds. If you do not, okay. Explain to me why, and we can discuss the matter further from there.

All of this is to say that I am greatly shaken by this film. I am reminded of the dire need for love and compassion in our world today, and that we are ALL called to bigger things than we could ever dream. Another subject that it brings up, and that relates directly to one's attitude about man vis à vis man's world, environment, etc., is the issue of animals. The scenes that were the hardest for me to watch were ones where the life of an animal was given virtually no regard by man; not even the acknowledgement of the fact that in consuming an animal, we must first take its life.

This was not an easy film to watch, but it was worthwhile to watch. Whether you are familiar with the Bible story or not, I urge you to see it. If you are Christian, I would encourage you to try to watch it only after first setting aside what you know to be truth from God, in His Word--in other words, things that might get in the way of you seeing other, more contextualized or varied interpretations, of the truth. It illustrated for me some of the most important things that I believe Noah's story in the Bible was meant to: To recognize something as clean, it must be set next to something dirty. To know something is good, we must have some referent for evil. And to see light as light, there is a certain amount of darkness needed, that God, in turn, uses to make it all the brighter.

Do not despair. As Fred Rogers said, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." This is true for hope and joy. We have a handful of glowing examples of these attributes that overcame amazing adversity: Mother Teresa, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela. And as I look to the Bible, I see a host of others who preceded and encouraged those people that we have watched "help" in recent history. Look for them--perhaps they are even inside of you.

Medicine cabinet

Hoping this will be in my bathroom soon :)

A place to call home

The past few weeks, Michael and I have been in the process of looking for a place to call home. While we have had many places we've called "home", this one would be for keeps, for the first time. This morning, as I prayed and read a psalm, I was struck by a pointed longing and feeling of urgency that I have felt for a long time, but had never really understood. It usually has felt like a total lack of desire to clean, do the laundry, or do the dishes in my "home". At others' homes, I am happy to do all of these things! Why do I so often feel like I just shouldn't even bother in my own? You could certainly say, "You're tired. You want to do other, more interesting things. etc." Those statements might not be completely false! However, today I am struck by a realization that I have had hints of previously, but that has been made clearer than ever.

I'm waiting for my home. 

This statement is really two-fold. First and foremost, as a Christian I believe that this world doesn't hold my permanent home, and that I am rather a traveller on God's [sometimes lonely] path for me here. While here, I am called to love those around me despite their appearance, actions towards myself and others, and beliefs. This means that while I am heartbroken by the pain and suffering that is in the world, I pray for those on both sides of the wars that are raging. Not always with the same ardor as I might for someone on the "side" I prefer, but I do try to remember to do so, and to do so more and more often as the days pass. This does not mean that I condone the horrific, tragic things that many on the "opposite" side do to innocent people. But God does love us all despite our sin. Jesus paid the price for His murderers even as He asked God to forgive them in His final breath on the cross. Watching the news, I often turn away. But I try not to, because I see those that Jesus has already forgiven, and who desperately need His love more than any money, hostage, or weapon. Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. Please, let us pray for our enemies and ask that our hate and the hate in the world be overcome ever more often by the love of God working through His sons and daughters throughout the world.

The second element of the statement that became clear to me this morning has to do with my home while I live in this world. The past two years, Michael and I have lived in three different places. All of those places have been rented. We've never painted walls and rarely put anything in the walls other than a few nails or push-pins. Investing in things like curtains and going to the trouble it takes to install them seems silly, given that at the time we move out, we'll have to restore everything to its original state.

We have dreamed of building a home, but have come to realize that this is not the season of our lives when that is going to happen. We have found a house that we love (despite our realtor's attempts to discourage us from falling in love with it) and are praying for all to work out that we may begin to paint, to put up paintings, and to install curtain rods. Yesterday, I purchased a beautifully imperfect medicine cabinet from an antique shop, and I am dreaming of how it will look once I have coaxed a new life into it. All of this to say, we want to be able to make something ours in such a way that we can create a place where friends, family, and new acquaintances want to spend time. Last night, we had dinner with some phenomenal friends whose home I love for this very reason: like them, it is welcoming and warm, and urges you to come in and unpack your joys, your sorrows, and your doubts. A place where God speaks and works. I believe that these types of places can be actively fostered and cultivated into life by us, but that this is a process of finding who we truly are through the expression of our personality throughout our home. God can show up anywhere, despite our tireless efforts to hit the perfect visual balance in a room. But I think that He loves to show up where we are comfortable enough to let those we love and those that we perhaps don't love yet (or maybe never will) in so that He can reach them. And I might even enjoy sweeping the floor, knowing it is a floor that God has given me to foster and build community and fellowship on.

Your prayers for the process that Michael and I are in are much appreciated. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other during the past few weeks, and have also been blessed by a realtor and mortgage broker who have been extremely gracious and giving of their time and encouragement. Our families have also been relentless in their advice, encouragement, and financial support and contribution. I feel extremely "held" by them and God at this moment, and I know that what is meant to be, will be.

Recent photos

Here are a few photos of our recent trips and visits. 

In San Diego with my parents, our friend Court.

Bellingham with Kate & Sam! (beginning of a poem?)

On Hood Canal with Kris & Alene.

Cat on desk. (read=85+ degree weather, not enough AC)

Amelia & Laura, some of my dearest friends from highschool.

Visiting Orcas Island with my parents.

Up soon: Portland, rodeo at Puyallup fair with Michael's parents, and...who knows!

Summer, gardens, destruction

The idea of summer seems to be one of the driving forces behind most people's daily lives. This may sound trite coming from someone who believes in Heaven, which should be the real driving force behind my life. However, having been in academia as a student and now a teacher for most of my life, summer continues to hold sway over my imagination, year after year, much like it does for all of us. I've often wondered what it would be like to not have "summer" to look forward to, like those of us who work a job that doesn't take the summer off. While we lived in Georgia, I did experience this in a way while I worked in leasing, and then again here, last summer, while I was at Pottery Barn. Those were both periods when I was in one way or another waiting to start the next academic thing, though, so it doesn't really feel like an adequate experience in that frame of mind.

I say "the idea of summer" instead of just "summer", because, in my experience, even when one has a summer break, it usually disappoints in the sheer amount of activities it seems to hold, year after year. It would be my assumption that most people look forward to summer for the same reasons I do: to relax, to do nothing (relatively nothing, at least, to the amount of nothing one was able to do the rest of the year), to catch up on rest, to cook, to go to movies, plays, concerts...you get the idea. This is where the idea of summer comes in. The things I look forward to are usually last on the list of things that haven't gotten done the rest of the year. As a result, I find myself about the same degree of tired as I was before, but with slightly less stress, since now the things that I feel I should be doing are just the nothings of summer. Having said this, that stress is still stress, and it's something that this summer, I am trying to break myself of a bit. Let me try to explain a bit better.

This has been one of the most exciting summers that I have had in a while, and it's really just beginning. We've been fortunate to take trips to San Diego, Bellingham, the peninsula here in Washington, many times to my parents' to go crabbing, and most recently to visit Orcas Island for a rich time of fellowship at Kindlingsfest, an annual arts-music-friend-Christ festival (hard to describe). Many of these things have been made possible by friends and family, and for that we are so grateful. I'm heading down to Portland this weekend, which will first be for a time with my mom and cousins this weekend celebrating a new baby, followed by several days with a friend who is experiencing a challenging season and whom I haven't seen in far too long. We had originally planned to go back to San Diego with friends later in the summer, but that has been called off. Perhaps you are starting to see what I mean when I say that my "tired" remains at a similar degree to that I had during the rest of the year. Let me be very clear that I am NOT complaining about these wonderful experiences. My point here is that mentally and in our day-to-day, we really must work to keep some time for ourselves. Do I do this? Not enough, if at all. Most weeks during the school year, the weekend is just about long enough for me to get caught up just to the point where the amount I fall behind doesn't exceed the past week, and so it's about a breakeven situation.

Rest is one of the most sacred things discussed in the Christian life. My issues discussed above are really more about rest and less about summer, which is why I am trying to work some of them out. I believe that there will always be an excuse to not rest. We live in a world where productivity and progress are placed on a pedestal no matter one's gender, race, ethnicity, class or profession. I believe in productivity and progress, and I believe that God does, too. However, I also believe that He never meant it to take precedent over health, relationships, or rest (which is really a part of health). And if one is a believer, God most certainly didn't mean for us to put P&P before a relationship and a constant pursuit of Him. This is a hard truth.

One of the things that has really shown me how out of control my inability to rest has become is my garden. We planted it back in May, and it really has been amazing to watch it grow. However, when you have places to be and things to do, the draw is really just not there to go out and water or "tend" to your garden. Let me rephrase that: for ME, someone who up to this point really does have a black thumb, that draw hasn't been there because of the skepticism I had upon planting that any of these starts or seeds might actually grow! But a strange thing has happened: everything save the potatoes that I had nothing to do with planting has grown (although I may very well have been the one who overwatered and killed said potatoes...)! While we didn't eat enough of our lettuce fast enough before it bolted (a term that some of you may have to look up), I am pleased to be eating some of the last of it now complete with green beans that are fresher than any I have had. This morning, I froze basil in oil. This is an experiment prompted not by my black thumb, but by the massive growth of my herb pot, which I had to completely top the other day...usually a word I reserve for large evergreens in my parents' ocean view. I just pulled a pretty big pan of kale chips out of the oven and have mastered that recipe, too. All of these extremely recent food-kitchen events have shown me everything that I have missed by not having a garden or faith in my ability to grow things. Yes, it is a wholly new experience and a subject that I know hardly anything about. However, we are learning and with the sun we've had in Seattle, most of the growing (assuming there was enough water, which I can do) was a no-brainer. God has given me yet another gift that I cannot repay Him for, Him being the author of all processes spiritual and scientific/physical: fresh, living food.

Much of the struggles this year have been financial, or somehow connected in some way to money. I don't think this is something that I'm ashamed of, but it is exhausting. The garden has shown me that, with planning, some of the things that we assume today in our world and in our society just do NOT need to be "givens"! I'm not saying that Western society tells us that we HAVE to eat food only from the grocery, or that we must not garden, but I do believe that it tells us that we do not HAVE TIME to. And this attitude has brought on not only the progressive disappearance of the knowledge of how to grow one's own food, but a total DISCONNECT with where food comes from. At this point in time, I do not have a farm and really couldn't hope to raise any animal for food other than chickens. However, I have recently learned the extent to which our society's ignorance of where their meat comes from has gone. In the US, it is not surprising the percentage of food that comes from factory farming. Given the demand of fast food joints and our busy lives, as well as the continued demand of the wealthy population for things like veal, lamb, and other specialized or young meat, it is a logical "solution". However, logical here is anything but ethical. I have only scratched the surface of the horrors of these types of production, and I won't share any of it here because I believe it is truly appalling and could hardly handle it myself when I first read of it. Let me emphasize a very particular word in that last sentence, and one that I used above within the context of rest: PRODUCTION. Animals have become a product. Most of the meat and poultry that we purchase in the grocery store hasn't been raised, it has been produced. One detail I will share about these processes: even the meat on your table is likely to have come from a production line. You know, like the assembly lines cars or cheap plastic toys are made on. It is truly tragic that the part of the world who prides itself on being the most intelligent, the most resourceful, the best at anything and everything--that this is where we have lost the ability to feed ourselves. And why? We simply don't have time.

Productivity already is the catalyst by which man has exponentially sped up the deterioration and destruction of the very earth that he inhabits. I have no intention of becoming a member of an activist group and telling you you cannot buy meat at the grocery that hasn't frolicked around a field its whole life. I also won't tell you that you may not work on weekends, or holidays, or whatever other time outside of regular business hours that you choose to. I do urge you to consider the fact that your actions--every small decision that you make, down to the type of chicken you buy or the hours you sleep on a regular basis--has a direct impact not only on you, but on the very earth that you walk on. Life is hard, but in Western society, the relative ease with which we live has fostered a sort of bizarre inability to do things that any human being should be able to do: feed ourselves, and do so without shortcuts.

I realize that the last statement in that paragraph does not and cannot take into account the massive variety of situations that exist in our country. I mean no disrespect to those who struggle to make ends meet, and am not equipped to speak to that part of the conversation. I do think that that issue is wrapped up into the other type of productivity that I've discussed here: that which is the opposite of rest, and which more often keeps us from our needed respite. True, the United States was built on hard work and by many a man who worked sun up to sun down just to keep his homestead running. We shouldn't still be working those hours, with all of the progress we have made! And sadly, our work is not half as rewarding, for most of us, as that man's. He gleaned food, shelter, warmth, and great (though sometimes weary, indeed) satisfaction from his work. I do not suggest that we all return to this way of life; it has been and gone. However, I do believe that the last thing I mention him gleaning most days, his satisfaction, is something that most of us no longer know how to find.

This wasn't meant to be such a heavy or potentially controversial post when I began writing. I do hope that you are prompted to reflect on what you think about these things, and to always try to understand what is really going on in a situation instead of jumping to conclusions. For myself, I have learned that the only hope we have is God, but it's something that I also must relearn most everyday! It is easy to get discouraged; don't be. There is a God who loves you and who made this earth with a purpose. No matter how quickly we exhaust its resources, He has a plan. If He wants to make all things new, He will. If He wishes to destroy it altogether, He will. But I do know that either way, if you can trust in Him, it's gonna look a whole lot better once He makes His move! Bless you, today.

5 years down, and running the race

5 years ago today, Michael and I said "I do". It has been wonderful, it has been challenging, it has been fun, and it has been painful. Today, I am so grateful that, by God's grace, we have grown as individuals and that we are finally aligning that growth into our oneness as a couple. Personally, I feel that the more I have sought God, the easier it has been to "seek" Michael--here meaning "to get to know better and ever deeper" by seeking. Perhaps this is a bit of a sacrilegious thing to say, but I believe that it is what we are called to do as husband and wife: to first seek God and an individual relationship with Him, that we may be better equipped to seek to know our spouse better. Thank you, Michael, for your patience and integrity, but also for your faults and your weaknesses. Without them, I wouldn't know myself as well as I do today! (I also might have less dishes, but that's another story...) You are the love of my life and I am blessed to call you mine for the journey. I love you!

Several of my students (and myself!) have been going through a bit of a rough spot over the past few weeks. Spring quarter is what I would call pénible in French, because it starts after a short break (a week, maybe more if you don't have final exams or papers to write) and there is only one holiday during the 10-week term. A week sounds like enough, but speaking for myself as a teacher and a student, it's really only enough time to get your things from the last quarter put away and to organize yourself for the next. I'll also point out that it gives little extra time for catching up on sleep that you might need leftover from Winter quarter! So, I have some students who seem to be struggling, like me, to keep the fire burning, as it were. Others have had far too many absences and are trying to figure out how to go forward knowing that their grade will not be what they'd hoped. 

One thing that I've learned (finally! Or perhaps for the hundredth time.) being a grad student is that often it is a triage situation. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to do it all well. It's possible--if you are okay with having no social life outside of your office, never go out on Fridays or weekends, and never leave the city (or the office). However, for most people, this is kind of not their ideal situation, and certainly not one they can sustain for three to four quarters out of the year. So what do I tell myself, and my students? It's simple: don't look back and worry about how you did something, or that you didn't do it. Just look to what is next. What is most important, or due first? Do that. Tackle one thing at a time. Now, this is easier said than done, but I think anyone and everyone should hear it and attempt it everyday. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent, a grad student, an artist, a businessperson, a doctor...ANYTHING--just look forward. Of course, celebrate your accomplishments. But I have learned that even dwelling too long on those can be extremely counterproductive. As adults (because I do believe that children should be helped to look back often, as they aren't accustomed to doing so, and should both learn and take encouragement/joy from their past actions, to a certain extent) I believe that we must take up this responsibility. 

This morning, I was reading in Philippians, where I found an encouraging word that applies directly to this struggle of facing forward and not being dominated or "owned" by our past (whether by over-dwelling on successes/positives or failures/negatives!). 

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.                                                            =Philippians 3:12-14

As a Christian, we are called directly to look ahead and not back. God will not judge us by our accomplishments or our failures what we reach Him after leaving this earth. He will ask us why we have not helped those in need, given of our earnings, and shared His Word and love as often as we should. However, this is not what most people get hung up on. Having said that, I believe that it becomes easier to do those things I have just listed when one is focused on moving forward and not back. In a literal sense, it should actually bring us to be more present in our present and move the focus away from always being on us. As a person who has struggled greatly and often with this not-looking-back, I urge you to explore the possibilities that it can bring. It isn't easy, and it probably never will be. However, I do believe that it can be integrated more and more into your habits, your routines, and your interactions with those around you. Because we are also called to do the above with others as much as we can from our human (read=fallen) points of view. Treat those around you as you would like to be treated, knowing that you're struggling just to not think about the fact that you just overslept for two hours and missed your morning meeting (or class! Thankfully, this is something that I am truly not guilty of!). And forget about forgetting or not dwelling on the report due yesterday that you are hoping to finish tonight (this is a true story). But what if you did stop thinking about that? Would it make the failures or mistakes angry, and start beating you over the head? Highly doubtful, since they are not people. They are thoughts. It's amazing what a sincere apology or explanation will do for such missteps as those I have mentioned above. Just be honest, for God's sake! And put your damn phone down for five minutes to have a real conversation--please!

To conclude, I want to encourage you: it bears repeating that this isn't an easy thing, to look forward more than looking back. However, even if you look forward once or twice more than you normally would have looked back today, be proud! Do dwell on that (I realize how contradictory that sounds, but hopefully you can dig it), and use it to slowly, but surely, begin to push you into a new trajectory. Know that God knows every mistake, failure, and "bad" thing you will do already, right now--and He forgives you. He already did, so why worry about it anymore than He has? His worrying put Jesus on the cross for you. If you didn't know it, that is finished. So go, today, and move forward!

Things I like

I seem to blog in waves, since clearly this week I have posted more than in the past year+! However, after seeing a TED talk video on education (and how all over the world it's really quite backwards in its aims) I was intrigued. The speaker, Sir Ken Robinson, described a girl whose teacher and parents thought she had some kind of learning disability due to her inability to stay focused in class and lots of physical fidgeting. The doctor that was asked to come in realized after talking with her and her mother that she didn't have a learning disability. She was a dancer. (The story is much more detailed, interesting, and inspiring told by Sir Ken, but the gist is here for utilitarian purposes.)

This idea that we each have the need for expression through some kind of art--and not in some philosophical and hypothetical sense of the word, but true art--was shocking. And, not surprisingly, this was one of the points during this talk: we are taught out of our creativity. A creative job (i.e. a job in the arts) is never one that someone will tell you will be a "good" choice. Unless, of course, your name is Lennon, McCartney, or Bono. Having said that--did any of those three have any idea where they would end up? Being celebrated 50 years after their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, advocating in a bed for world peace, or standing up at political charity functions and next to the President, advocating for the world's poorest people? Not based on what I know of them. (And since they are three of my very favorite musicians, I have learned a few things about them.) Of course, this is just a demonstration of a few musical artists.

I don't know if my art is writing or singing. I love them both. I guess my question for myself is: what can you not stop yourself from doing? Perhaps it's this, as I felt the urge to come and share something with someone here, on the digital "page". Either way, I wanted to take a minute to see how many things I could list that I enjoy. Lately I have been feeling something like apathy when it comes to reflecting on "what I would like to be doing" or "what I enjoy about what I am currently doing [in school]". In no particular order other than how they come to my mind, here are some things that I enjoy:

• having a glass of wine with a dear one
• driving (if gas were free/before I was aware it wasn't)
• watching the Chicago Blackhawks
• hearing a great Beatles cover
• listening to the Beatles
• the smell of the ocean
• spending time with family
• speaking French
• traveling in France
• watching French movies
• reading and writing about French literature (especially if there were no quarters, grades, or deadlines)
• teaching 100-level French
• Chicago
• cuddling with my cats
• good sleep
• riding the bus (if it isn't one that feels like it might fall apart at any moment)
• having your smile smiled at, or being thanked for it
• exchanging a "hello" with someone you don't know
• writing without a time limit or a reason
• the idea of playing piano (it would be actually playing piano if I weren't so rusty)
• singing
• watching The Voice with my husband
• spending time with my husband when we're doing something that he loves and getting to see him enjoy himself
• spending time with friends and getting to know them better
• running into a friend around Ballard (or anywhere else, but it's happened here more than anywhere)
• knowing that I have siblings now through marriage
• remembering that I'm married and thinking about what that means
• thinking about being a TA forever (if that were possible, since I could keep teaching what I do now)
• hearing someone tell you you're on the right track
• knowing that God wants to know me better
• trying to understand that God sent his son to die for me
• trying to realize that each day will take care of itself, no matter how much or how little worry we throw into the pot with it
• cooking
• dreaming about the day I will have a dishwasher again
• dreaming about the day we might have a house

Clearly, I enjoy more things that I thought. Every time I'm asked, "Well, what do you want to do??" I never know what to say. There are, of course, other things. However, I think these are some of the most important right now, since they came to mind first. I guess I just don't want to be the one who doesn't understand that she's a "dancer", and I think this might be step 1 at this point. I've been feeling a bit lost, a bit sad, and a bit like I'm up a creek without a paddle. (In several areas of my life.) However, I have faith that God has reasons for this season (no rhyme intended...initially) and that He will bring me to the next step. 

Correction: Of Hope

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
 vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
 What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
 The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
 All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
 All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
 the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
 What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.
 Is there a thing of which it is said,
“See, this is new”?
It has been already
in the ages before us.
 There is no remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
among those who come after. (Ecclesiastes 1:2-11)

My devotional for this morning brought an important thing to my attention and prompted me to realize a correction to my previous post should be made. Perhaps more of a footnote. I'd like to be very clear. I am quite skeptical about the world and Western society today: what is valued, what is sought after, what is considered "good" or "bad" or "cool" or "lame". How we throw around derogatory terms without the awareness that they might hurt someone, and that words often hurt us more than physical injury. Having said all of this, I have been reminded this morning that in this fallen world, we can have hope, and we are urged to by our Creator. If you don't believe in a God because you see so much pain & suffering, I can understand. But, consider this: without pain, discomfort, suffering, and even untimely or violent death, would we even be aware of the good, the beautiful, the pure? Or would we just forget that sometimes we are lucky and fortunate/blessed enough to get to experience such moments, and that they stand out and are all the more noticeable thanks to (I dare use the term for attributing a positive cause, the distinction of which my French 103 students recently learned) the darkness we see more and more around us?

I realize that this might not be very uplifting, but I still urge you to consider this world--which is full of fallen people who all lack an essential, God-shaped piece--without the pain and the suffering, and to conceive of what that would mean. Man is considered by some current-day philosophers to have an intrinsic nature that always is seeking to improve, to advance, to create more. This is fine, but without God, "sans bornes" (loosely translated "without borders", but not in a physical sense of the term), it will sooner or later do more damage than good. Society, government--these are things we have created in an attempt to limit and control this tendency. However, as we participate in these, we often forget that we were created by something greater.

My previous post was relatively hopeless. This morning, I choose hope and I share this choice with you. I realize that my simple musings don't address or reach all of the complexities of pain, suffering, and the other circumstances in each person's life. However, I do hope that you will somehow be encouraged to know that a) as you can see from the verses, we have struggled with hopelessness for quite a long time (like, forever), and b) there is a Hope that you can claim, and One who ardently desires for you to come and dwell with Him at the Table. We cannot escape the darkness in the world no matter how much we try. We can choose to fight it with what it least expects and fears: HOPE and JOY. Be blessed, be well, and have hope today.

Unproductivity

Tonight, while I should be working on an annotated bibliography, I am feeling obliged to share some of what is going through my mind. I am worn out, though aware that it could be worse. There are things that, yes, I might avoid doing in order to provide "more time". However, I have learned that "more time" doesn't always mean "more satisfied" or "more rested". This is very problematic when we are expected to do so much all the time, every day. In academia, no matter how much awareness of the politics that are involved has risen, it is always a bit of a tooth and nail fight. Lately, I'm just not sure I have it in me to do this for the rest of my life. It's early in the program and I'm far from giving up. I did, however, come here to a PhD program because I figured it would finally be a time I could study what I wanted. I have been blessed with great professors and colleagues that have become friends and mentors. Really, I can't complain (but of course, I'll find something--just ask my husband!).

Our generation is at once victim and guilty--victim of previous generations' carelessness and thoughtlessness, and guilty of the same carelessness and thoughtlessness...paired with a growing apathy for the people and things around us. We blame it all on everyone else...while shutting them all out in the interest of a more exciting post on a social network. I do not understand our obsessions, though I am far from exempt from participating. We consume without reflecting on where what we consume must come from, and the things that must happen in order for it to be so. Sometimes, I'd just like to shake the earth a little bit (or at least the "Western world") and say, "Wake up!"

PhD etc.

In September, I started a PhD program at the University of Washington here in Seattle. Since then, I've made it through two quarters and it looks like about 10 months since my last post. A lot has changed, and continues to daily. I find myself constantly reflecting upon why I am where I am, where Michael and I are "headed" in the longer term (house, kids, etc.) and how it all fits together. Of course, none of these questions or musings can be resolved simply, and require patience and perseverance. (Duh.) In academia, your motives, goals and projects are constantly brought into question or call for a defense. It can get overwhelming very quickly, and often does. The trick is learning how to literally fake it 'til you make it, and to work in the meantime to find your way so that eventually you really are making it!

One huge difference in this program is the fact that I am essentially my own cohort. A strange concept, and one that I didn't really consider until partway through my first quarter, when I really began to feel the weight of all the newness--new colleagues, new professors, a new student body, a new book, a new class to teach. It was a LOT of new! Someone at that point--I believe a good friend also in academia, and whose advice has been invaluable to me ever since we both embarked on this journey--asked me, "Well, who else is in your cohort? Can you talk these issues over with them?" Nope, no can do. Of course, as a TA there are many people that I talk to often about those struggles. However, in general and as far as the entire process goes, I am really the only one on my particular track at this particular point. Luckily, I have since made a wonderful friendship with another PhD candidate who is really only one year (give or take) ahead of me. We both came in with MA's from other schools and are therefore having to jump through extra hoops to "prove ourselves". Both of our husbands have habits we wish they'd get rid of, and get along very well. We both enjoy cooking, eating, and just generally shooting the breeze when we get a free few minutes. It has been really refreshing and it's always nice to know there's someone who understands most aspects of a certain struggle. This quarter, Céline and I are in both of the same classes and have both been accepted into a certificate program for a Second Language Pedagogy Teaching track, so that's also exciting.

When I look at the big picture (finishing coursework and the certificate this year/next, dissertation the next two years after that, house, kids, ????), it's easy to just fa-reak OUT. However, lately I have been reminded of the intentional nature of God. He would not have put me in the department at UW if there weren't other purposes for me there. I'm not sure yet which purposes are the ones that matter most to Him, but I trust that whether it is the simple task of completing the degree or just sharing my views with everyone, it will fall into place. Michael and I have begun attending a new church in Greenlake that we both really enjoy and glean a lot from. Some of my close friends from high school also are regular attenders, so it has been fun to spend time together with them as couples, and we have a great time!

This leads me to the thing that I have recently realized about myself: I have unfinished grief-business that is almost 15 years old. My godfather, Dave's, death in 2000 threw my 13 year-old self didn't know how to deal, and really didn't. Everything around me changed in just a few months it seemed. Everything since changed or has been somehow impacted, also. However, I spend so much time focusing on the "positives" that came out of the tragedy (mostly relationships that were strengthened, changed, or started as a result of Dave's passing) distracted me until now from some important things that I needed to at the very least acknowledge. One of these was that I became sensitive to getting close to people. I have always had a lot of friends, but have never really had a best friend. Many of my friends now have been close friends for a long time, but I've also allowed other friendships to essentially fall by the wayside. Now as I look back, I realize that in those relationships, when things got hard, I kind of just shut down; I didn't want to deal with the pain of a monumental "death" of the relationship, so I just let it fade out. I'm grateful that the majority of those relationships remain intact, even if they aren't how I might have wanted them to stay. God has blessed me with people in all seasons of my life, but I believe that I have sometimes left undone the tasks He wants us to do to keep those relationships--the ones that create a community around us. This saddens me greatly. However, I can't go back and so am trying to make a conscious effort moving forward to avoid leaving these things undone in laziness.

Another element that is left over from Dave's death is doing the dishes. Yes, you read that right. If you know me or have been around Michael and I in the past year, you will know how big of a role this issue has played in our day-to-day recently. I know it's been a mystery to him, but the fact is that it was also a mystery to me: why was I so dang hung up on this chore? Sure, we don't have a dishwasher here in our apartment, it's tiny, and the dishes seem to pile up the second you finish doing them. Having said that, is it really a life or death moment?? Well, kind of. In the week and a half before Dave's death, there were a bunch of us that were pretty cooped up in one house, and there wasn't much to do. People eat, and dishes accumulate. So, I did the dishes because it was really one of the only things that I could do. I really think that ever since I have hung more importance on that task than it could ever possibly take--in any relationship. Now, I try to leave the dishes alone every once in a while. I am grateful that I live in a home with two cats and a husband who are all very alive, and I know that despite this, you never know when your time might come. I want to take advantage of the little free time that I have. And so I leave the dishes or do them early in the morning when I'm up getting ready before anyone else.

A few photos from the past few months:

Simone & I have known each other since we were petites filles at the French American School. Her encouragement and support in all things academic has been invaluable, and I treasure our friendship!

Christmas was wonderful; we got to be with both families and didn't have to fly across the country to do so. It marked the last holiday we hadn't gotten to since our move back to the PNW--it's officially been a year!

The weekend before my birthday, we went out to Sequim to visit Michael's dear cousins, Christopher & Wanda. Of course, we forgot to snap any photos of them...so we'll just have to go back and visit again. (It was windy while we were there!)

My brother-in-law, Joel, and his band Hidden History played their first live show in Seattle in March. Here are the Burgess sisters (Joel's wife, Ella, his sister, Crystal, and myself) at the show.

Michael and I met up with some of my second cousins in Everett for dinner. Lisa & Jodie are some fun ladies, and we're looking forward to more times together soon :)

Michael, Dennis & Joe also had a good time catching up. As you can see, Michael's beard is reaching monumental proportions...