07 September 2011

Trying to find joy in a discouraging attitude.

Today has been strange. I don't say "hard" or "challenging" or anything like that, because those have only truly been in my head. I want to use those adjectives, but can't quite bring myself to. This fact, this awareness of the reality of the day versus how I feel it is is what I am trying to focus on to remind me that life is pretty alright. The reason I am having these competing emotions is that today, I feel like someone is trying to remind me how easy it is to be careless with our money. Not that I feel we are, but I think it is easy to forget that things like electricity, groceries, and cell phones can way cramp your style as far as a budget goes...especially if you aren't aware of them.

The first of the month is always tighter financially for us, since rent is due then. I've made a budget and I feel it's reasonable. But a plan and its execution are two very different things, and I feel like I'm already failing to execute. It doesn't help that I am having little progress in finding a job, and thus contributing essentially nothing to the finances which I am now in charge of.

I won't go on; I don't wish this to be a public whining board for stress-issues relating to my home and money situation, since those are private things. However, this is the issue that most often plagues me, and causes me to feel guilt when doing any "fun" thing that isn't in "the plan". The stress I feel relating to this often make me feel quite alone, and yet I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and wants us to be better with money. So typing out some of my thoughts and sharing them within reason with those of you who may have more experience or advice to me gives me a bit of hope: perhaps you will be prompted to share some of that with me. Maybe not, but the thoughts were crowding themselves in my mind and I am unfortunately not the owner of a Pensieve such as Dumbledore's in Harry Potter, nor does my mind have the tenacity of Legolas the Elf, who never has to sleep and whose mind is always thinking about everything without causing him too much effort.

Please don't misunderstand me, either: I am looking forward and am working to feel positive about finding a job and even starting to save more money if I don't. Michael and I have been blessed by God's grace and patience, and we know that that never ends and that though we stumble He will restore us. I am simply weary of the worldly problems of life sidling over to me, making me feel like they are more important than the joys of life.

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